Joanna, I found your blog over a year ago and it has really helped me through the tough first year and a half of life with a pilot. I mentioned your blog on my blog today. Check it out: thisishowwelivenow.blogspot.com Rachel
\f0\fs26 \cf2 \cb3 \expnd0\expndtw0\kerning0 \outl0\strokewidth0 \strokec2 What kind of wife are you? You lay on the guilt trip right on your front page making your husband feel guilty for supporting his family by stating that your son wants him to come back home. Why can't you explain to your son that daddy is out supporting the family (and you as well) &thats what a man is supposed to do? A father setting a good example for his son is something for the wife to guilt trip him about? Again, what kind of wife are you?}
I like to think that I am a very good wife, actually. My house is happy. My husband is happy and satisfied and healthy. My children are happy and satisfied and healthy. I am happy and satisfied and healthy.
Steve actually really likes the blog title. I had given thought of changing the blog title, and he actually asked me to keep it. He likes it. His absence is a reality of our life...there is no guilt about it. It is what it is.
Again, I like to think I am a good wife...and I think my husband would agree to that.
Hello! I just ran across your blog. I am a pilot wife too and my Husband and I are Polish too. I saw your daughters Polska hat. :) I like your blog and can tell you are a good mom . Unless you live the shoes you have no room to speak.
Found your blog few days back. I am only a pilot wife, I can't even imagine doing the whole parenting thing alone. It's good me and him agree that we dont want kids. But anyway I have read a lot of your posts and it makes me feel so much better. I feel like yes someone knows exactly what I am feeling, the good and the bad. But just one question. I see this often on your posts. I always see that you have so much going on in your life but you always always make it a point to give your husband his time, his rest time, his send offs...you are very considerate but you don't mention things he has done for you. As in has there been incidents where he has gone out of the way to make you feel special and appreciated for everything you do, and you sure do a lot. And im also not talking about flying you somewhere. Because I feel like if that is the only perk I am not sure this life is for me. I don't mind the absence too much although I miss his as hell the second he leaves every time yes. But if he is nothing more than just a pilot husband then idk if this is for me. I'm not saying both pilots are same or anything, but if you can I would love to hear about things your Steve has done for you that has helped you successful with this marriage all these years. Thanks!
Hi! Sure there are things that Steve does for me. To start, my love language is physical touch. So, as long as Steve keeps my love tank full, I am good...for the most part. Steve will also give me flowers...let me freely go out and do 'me time' things...let me sleep in...let me sit my lazy ass on the couch while he straightens the house and puts the kids down. We also make a point to travel, just the two of us, once a year. This is a good time to reconnect with one another.
I have always stressed that in order for you to be a successful pilot wife, you need to do things for yourself. This lifestyle can be very stressful, so you need to do what it takes to balance out that stress.
Thanks for your Blog. I don't know if it helps me, but it gives me things to think about. I'm in a serious relationship with a pilot (living together) and starting to think that this was a bad idea. I love him lots, but is love enough when he's gone all the time? He recently switched jobs to make more money, but is now away even more and as far as I'm concerned, we never needed the cash. I work full time and make enough to pay the bills myself. He lives in my house and I ask for very little $ from him. My daughter loves him, but I feel like a single mom again. He never seems to be around when it matters.
You talk about perks like getting to go on vacation and free flights. I've been traveling three times since we got together and he's never been able to get time off to come. And, I've never been able to get a free flight since that's not one of his perks. Not only did I pay for my flight, but I had no one to split hotel costs with. I was on my own and might as well have been single.
I don't get to work part-time or be a stay at home mom, or any of those other lovely things that pilot wives often speak of. I have my own career, I own our house, and his salary doesn't support the family.
Is there any redeeming value in staying with this man? He loves me and I love him, but I want a boyfriend who is actually around. I'm tired of answering "where's your boyfriend?" everywhere I go. I'm tired of making excuses for him. I'm tired of traveling by myself when I want to share that experience. I'm tired of being a single mom. I don't feel that absence makes the heart grow fonder; I feel that it makes us grow apart. Maybe we moved in together too soon, because now splitting up is more complicated. My daughter really likes him, but I'm not sure this is a relationship I want. I don't want to be on my own all the time.
Have you read this blog post? http://comebackdaddy.blogspot.com/2012/04/does-it-suck-being-married-to-pilot.html
This is one of my most comprehensive posts about the good and bad about being married to a pilot.
Generally speaking, I do not think love is enough when it comes to being with a pilot. I think that love can get you to a point, but when the shit hits the fan (time and time and time again) a pilot wife has to have certain qualities to make it work. We have to be accepting of his job, and not resent him for it. We have to be independent...this means being a single mom and single homeowner 60-70% of the time. You seem to be very independent, so you have what it takes...you just have to be real with the question of his absence.
Is his job keeping him away now because he is a new hire? Will his schedule get better? There are ebbs and flows with a pilot's schedule - from season to season, from company to company, from base to base, from equipment to equipment...
If you strip away his absence and his job from any pilot, the value you have left is what makes the man. When my husband is home he completes me - he balances me. When I need help, he jumps right in. He busts his ass to get stuff done around the house, from yard work to cleaning to running errands. Not to mention, one of the most important things, he is a great father to our children. He is a good example of what a man should be, and he is a great example for the children. He is a great man to me, and treats me with dignity and respect.
As far as answering questions about your boyfriend, perhaps with time people will understand. At this point in my life, we have been married 11 years and together 15...people know he is gone a lot. Period. When I am solo, people assume Steve is working.
The single mom thing won't change. It won't. Just the other day, I tweeted about how well I relate to divorced women. It is the truth. Being a single mom is the hardest part of being a pilot wife, no doubt.
I am happy to "talk" about this more with you. I hope I offered something you were looking for with my response. Please email or comment more, if you need to!
Ive read most of your posts and I think you're a very strong woman :) so what I really would like some input on, is the following..
What would you say if your husband wanted some time to travel on his own? I'm currently dating a pilot and it's getting serious (we are not married and the relationship is still quite new) and he has opened up about his love of travel and flying and how he doesn't want to feel guilty when he decides he wants to take trips alone or with friends. (Hes quite used to living the solo life and travelling whenever and wherever he wants). Lets say he wants to take about 2 trips (2-3 weeks long) throughout the year, should I be concerned? He spends most of his time with me while he's not flying, he shows me love and how he's committed to me and we have already gone on a trip together, so he does take time for me as well. But Im wondering if this might bother me down the road. Pretending you didnt have children, would you put up with this? Should I be concerned?
And lastly, Im just very curious, if you did catch your husband cheating, what exactly would you do?
I think it is totally fine for a husband to have some travel time by himself. But, let me clarify a bit. Steve goes on a lake weekend every year. I don't like that he is gone more than he already is, but I always let him go. He needs his time with his guys.
Having said that, I would have concern if he needed two lengthy trips a year. The biggest concern is that we share this life together...why would he want that much time away from me...in addition to all the time we already spend apart.
If my husband ever cheated on me, I would try to work through it. I have always said that. My grandfather was unfaithful, yet they got through it and lived a long and happy life together. I would use them as an example that you can fix something that is broken.
Dear Joanna, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years (and have known him since grade school) and he has been working on his piloting career since we were 16. We broke up a couple years ago because he was going down to Ft Lauderdale to go to ATP. He said he didn't think that our relationship could handle the distance. Flash forward to today when he has moved back home, has already had 2 different instructor jobs and has now gotten a job that he works 18 on, 12 off. I really want him to read your blog and see how much time you spend away from your husband and that just because he gets a better paying job does not mean that he will be around more. I am in for the long haul, while its not ideal to be alone most of the time I love him and I understand what I am going to get myself into. How do you think I should go about bringing up your blog without freaking him out on my intentions? I want him to understand what kind of relationships he will be able to have with me, his family and any future family we might have.
I have always said that relationships will fail if you don't have two things: trust and communication. To answer your question...just talk to him. Tell him that you came across my blog and you want him to read it.
There are going to be SO many things that come up in a relationship, and you have to talk about it. If you don't, bad things will happen.
Talking about the future is always interesting since there are so many "what ifs" in this industry. But, be open and honest with him. Talking through things is so important.
Hi Joanna! I have been reading your blog posts since 2013 while searching for more info on pilots cheating. I am an RN, single and hoping to be married to a pilot soon. I also wanted to be a pilot myself and I happen to be an avgeek. Your blog has really given me tons of ideas on how it is like to be a pilot's wife. I think I am fine with my future pilot husband to be away most of time as I am busy with work myself. I work 8hrs a day, 5 days on, 2 days off a week with rotating schedules. I hope you would continue to inspire pilot wives and those women who would want to be wives of pilots (like me) with your blog. I am looking forward for more posts coming. 😊
Hi Joanna, I’m so grateful I found your blog and want to thank you for your wisdom! My long term boyfriend (we live together) and I have been together for a few years and I’ve always known him to be pilot (doing advanced flight instruction). Since day one of our relationship, he always talked about someday getting a job with an airline and a few months back, it happened! He’s been working for a regional airline and almost loves it (I think that will change once is base is a bit closer - currently it’s a five and half hour flight away). Anyway, I found your blog (and a couple other pilot bloggers) back when he was in ground school/sim training and it has really helped “prepare” me for the reality - good and bad - of being in a relationship with an airline pilot. So far this transition has been pretty easy (and I’ve appreciated all of me-time that I suddenly have and look forward to for the next 30 years), but I think if I didn’t find your blog to educate myself, it maybe have been more challenging for me. So I wanted to acknowledge and appreciate you as a pilot wife and all of the work you put in to this blog to help support and educate other pilot wives (and significant others) out there!
Joanna,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog over a year ago and it has really helped me through the tough first year and a half of life with a pilot. I mentioned your blog on my blog today. Check it out: thisishowwelivenow.blogspot.com
Rachel
{\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252
ReplyDelete{\fonttbl\f0\fnil\fcharset0 ArialMT;}
{\colortbl;\red255\green255\blue255;\red34\green34\blue34;\red255\green255\blue255;}
\deftab720
\pard\pardeftab720\partightenfactor0
\f0\fs26 \cf2 \cb3 \expnd0\expndtw0\kerning0
\outl0\strokewidth0 \strokec2 What kind of wife are you? You lay on the guilt trip right on your front page making your husband feel guilty for supporting his family by stating that your son wants him to come back home. Why can't you explain to your son that daddy is out supporting the family (and you as well) &thats what a man is supposed to do? A father setting a good example for his son is something for the wife to guilt trip him about? Again, what kind of wife are you?}
I like to think that I am a very good wife, actually. My house is happy. My husband is happy and satisfied and healthy. My children are happy and satisfied and healthy. I am happy and satisfied and healthy.
DeleteSteve actually really likes the blog title. I had given thought of changing the blog title, and he actually asked me to keep it. He likes it. His absence is a reality of our life...there is no guilt about it. It is what it is.
Again, I like to think I am a good wife...and I think my husband would agree to that.
That person obviously doesn't know what pilots' and their wives lives are really like. How insensitive of him!
DeleteHello! I just ran across your blog. I am a pilot wife too and my Husband and I are Polish too. I saw your daughters Polska hat. :) I like your blog and can tell you are a good mom . Unless you live the shoes you have no room to speak.
ReplyDeleteHi Jessi! Thanks for finding me!
DeleteThat is awesome that you two are Polish as well.
Thank you for your kind words.
Found your blog few days back. I am only a pilot wife, I can't even imagine doing the whole parenting thing alone. It's good me and him agree that we dont want kids. But anyway I have read a lot of your posts and it makes me feel so much better. I feel like yes someone knows exactly what I am feeling, the good and the bad. But just one question. I see this often on your posts. I always see that you have so much going on in your life but you always always make it a point to give your husband his time, his rest time, his send offs...you are very considerate but you don't mention things he has done for you. As in has there been incidents where he has gone out of the way to make you feel special and appreciated for everything you do, and you sure do a lot. And im also not talking about flying you somewhere. Because I feel like if that is the only perk I am not sure this life is for me. I don't mind the absence too much although I miss his as hell the second he leaves every time yes. But if he is nothing more than just a pilot husband then idk if this is for me. I'm not saying both pilots are same or anything, but if you can I would love to hear about things your Steve has done for you that has helped you successful with this marriage all these years. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHi! Sure there are things that Steve does for me. To start, my love language is physical touch. So, as long as Steve keeps my love tank full, I am good...for the most part. Steve will also give me flowers...let me freely go out and do 'me time' things...let me sleep in...let me sit my lazy ass on the couch while he straightens the house and puts the kids down. We also make a point to travel, just the two of us, once a year. This is a good time to reconnect with one another.
DeleteI have always stressed that in order for you to be a successful pilot wife, you need to do things for yourself. This lifestyle can be very stressful, so you need to do what it takes to balance out that stress.
Thanks for your Blog. I don't know if it helps me, but it gives me things to think about. I'm in a serious relationship with a pilot (living together) and starting to think that this was a bad idea. I love him lots, but is love enough when he's gone all the time? He recently switched jobs to make more money, but is now away even more and as far as I'm concerned, we never needed the cash. I work full time and make enough to pay the bills myself. He lives in my house and I ask for very little $ from him. My daughter loves him, but I feel like a single mom again. He never seems to be around when it matters.
ReplyDeleteYou talk about perks like getting to go on vacation and free flights. I've been traveling three times since we got together and he's never been able to get time off to come. And, I've never been able to get a free flight since that's not one of his perks. Not only did I pay for my flight, but I had no one to split hotel costs with. I was on my own and might as well have been single.
I don't get to work part-time or be a stay at home mom, or any of those other lovely things that pilot wives often speak of. I have my own career, I own our house, and his salary doesn't support the family.
Is there any redeeming value in staying with this man? He loves me and I love him, but I want a boyfriend who is actually around. I'm tired of answering "where's your boyfriend?" everywhere I go. I'm tired of making excuses for him. I'm tired of traveling by myself when I want to share that experience. I'm tired of being a single mom. I don't feel that absence makes the heart grow fonder; I feel that it makes us grow apart. Maybe we moved in together too soon, because now splitting up is more complicated. My daughter really likes him, but I'm not sure this is a relationship I want. I don't want to be on my own all the time.
Have you read this blog post?
Deletehttp://comebackdaddy.blogspot.com/2012/04/does-it-suck-being-married-to-pilot.html
This is one of my most comprehensive posts about the good and bad about being married to a pilot.
Generally speaking, I do not think love is enough when it comes to being with a pilot. I think that love can get you to a point, but when the shit hits the fan (time and time and time again) a pilot wife has to have certain qualities to make it work. We have to be accepting of his job, and not resent him for it. We have to be independent...this means being a single mom and single homeowner 60-70% of the time. You seem to be very independent, so you have what it takes...you just have to be real with the question of his absence.
Is his job keeping him away now because he is a new hire? Will his schedule get better? There are ebbs and flows with a pilot's schedule - from season to season, from company to company, from base to base, from equipment to equipment...
If you strip away his absence and his job from any pilot, the value you have left is what makes the man. When my husband is home he completes me - he balances me. When I need help, he jumps right in. He busts his ass to get stuff done around the house, from yard work to cleaning to running errands. Not to mention, one of the most important things, he is a great father to our children. He is a good example of what a man should be, and he is a great example for the children. He is a great man to me, and treats me with dignity and respect.
As far as answering questions about your boyfriend, perhaps with time people will understand. At this point in my life, we have been married 11 years and together 15...people know he is gone a lot. Period. When I am solo, people assume Steve is working.
The single mom thing won't change. It won't. Just the other day, I tweeted about how well I relate to divorced women. It is the truth. Being a single mom is the hardest part of being a pilot wife, no doubt.
I am happy to "talk" about this more with you. I hope I offered something you were looking for with my response. Please email or comment more, if you need to!
Hi Joanna,
ReplyDeleteIve read most of your posts and I think you're a very strong woman :) so what I really would like some input on, is the following..
What would you say if your husband wanted some time to travel on his own? I'm currently dating a pilot and it's getting serious (we are not married and the relationship is still quite new) and he has opened up about his love of travel and flying and how he doesn't want to feel guilty when he decides he wants to take trips alone or with friends. (Hes quite used to living the solo life and travelling whenever and wherever he wants). Lets say he wants to take about 2 trips (2-3 weeks long) throughout the year, should I be concerned? He spends most of his time with me while he's not flying, he shows me love and how he's committed to me and we have already gone on a trip together, so he does take time for me as well. But Im wondering if this might bother me down the road. Pretending you didnt have children, would you put up with this? Should I be concerned?
And lastly, Im just very curious, if you did catch your husband cheating, what exactly would you do?
Cheers,
ANM
I think it is totally fine for a husband to have some travel time by himself. But, let me clarify a bit. Steve goes on a lake weekend every year. I don't like that he is gone more than he already is, but I always let him go. He needs his time with his guys.
DeleteHaving said that, I would have concern if he needed two lengthy trips a year. The biggest concern is that we share this life together...why would he want that much time away from me...in addition to all the time we already spend apart.
If my husband ever cheated on me, I would try to work through it. I have always said that. My grandfather was unfaithful, yet they got through it and lived a long and happy life together. I would use them as an example that you can fix something that is broken.
Best of luck with everything!
Joanna
Dear Joanna,
ReplyDeleteI have been with my boyfriend for 5 years (and have known him since grade school) and he has been working on his piloting career since we were 16. We broke up a couple years ago because he was going down to Ft Lauderdale to go to ATP. He said he didn't think that our relationship could handle the distance. Flash forward to today when he has moved back home, has already had 2 different instructor jobs and has now gotten a job that he works 18 on, 12 off. I really want him to read your blog and see how much time you spend away from your husband and that just because he gets a better paying job does not mean that he will be around more. I am in for the long haul, while its not ideal to be alone most of the time I love him and I understand what I am going to get myself into. How do you think I should go about bringing up your blog without freaking him out on my intentions? I want him to understand what kind of relationships he will be able to have with me, his family and any future family we might have.
Thanks for reaching out to me.
DeleteI have always said that relationships will fail if you don't have two things: trust and communication. To answer your question...just talk to him. Tell him that you came across my blog and you want him to read it.
There are going to be SO many things that come up in a relationship, and you have to talk about it. If you don't, bad things will happen.
Talking about the future is always interesting since there are so many "what ifs" in this industry. But, be open and honest with him. Talking through things is so important.
Best of luck to you guys!
Hi Joanna! I have been reading your blog posts since 2013 while searching for more info on pilots cheating. I am an RN, single and hoping to be married to a pilot soon. I also wanted to be a pilot myself and I happen to be an avgeek. Your blog has really given me tons of ideas on how it is like to be a pilot's wife. I think I am fine with my future pilot husband to be away most of time as I am busy with work myself. I work 8hrs a day, 5 days on, 2 days off a week with rotating schedules. I hope you would continue to inspire pilot wives and those women who would want to be wives of pilots (like me) with your blog. I am looking forward for more posts coming. 😊
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting with your kind words! Best wishes to you and your soon to be fiance!
DeleteWhen did you two start dating and what things kept you going at first when doubts/ struggles occured
ReplyDeleteHi Joanna,
ReplyDeleteI’m so grateful I found your blog and want to thank you for your wisdom! My long term boyfriend (we live together) and I have been together for a few years and I’ve always known him to be pilot (doing advanced flight instruction). Since day one of our relationship, he always talked about someday getting a job with an airline and a few months back, it happened! He’s been working for a regional airline and almost loves it (I think that will change once is base is a bit closer - currently it’s a five and half hour flight away). Anyway, I found your blog (and a couple other pilot bloggers) back when he was in ground school/sim training and it has really helped “prepare” me for the reality - good and bad - of being in a relationship with an airline pilot. So far this transition has been pretty easy (and I’ve appreciated all of me-time that I suddenly have and look forward to for the next 30 years), but I think if I didn’t find your blog to educate myself, it maybe have been more challenging for me. So I wanted to acknowledge and appreciate you as a pilot wife and all of the work you put in to this blog to help support and educate other pilot wives (and significant others) out there!