Monday, August 2, 2010

mile high club

Since I mentioned the mile high club in my last post, I thought I should mention one of the most outrageous flights I ever had. OK, so this whole mile high club...I just don't get it.  Maybe it is because I have a husband who would laugh at me if I ever suggested such a thing (have you been in an airplane lav lately), but I just don't see the appeal to it what-so-ever!

A couple of years ago I had a day-trip out to ORD for work.  I was flying with my boss and we were on a RJ.  He was up front somewhere and I was back around the wings somewhere, in the A (solo) seat.  Low and behold, the woman who I noticed in the terminal not 60 minutes earlier was not sitting next to me. 

Let me set the picture: 6:15am, Tuesday morning, October in Ohio, me in a business suit, as was most every other person in the airport.  She: oh, let's name her Candy, mid-forties, tight jeans, silky cami top, strappy heals, frosted hair.  If I saw her in a bar I may have called her "cute", but seeing her at 6:15am on a Tuesday at an airport, I called her "out of place."

So, Candy sits next to me, with only an aisle separating us.  Her traveling companion sitting next to her at the window seat: mid forties, bald on top with the ring of hair around his head, boring.  I forget what he was wearing...again, he was boring. Let's name him Bob.

The flight to ORD was a short 1 hour or so.  We board, take off, and everything is fine.  Until Candy starts in on Bob.  At first I thought nothing of it.  I think she was kissing his neck or something.  I sort of noticed it, but didn't.  "Whatever" I was thinking to myself.  Then she started going to town.  I would like to keep this a PG site, so I won't go into too much detail.  All I will say is that her hand was being put to good use, and thank goodness for that blanket, which covered everything.  Note: NEVER use those blankets unless you unwrap them from the plastic yourself!  I am embarrassed to say what she did next, which I don't know why since I wasn't involved, and I won't.  It really was somewhat traumatic for me.  If I wanted to watch a porn I would have gone to the video store and bought one! 

As I mentioned the flight was just an hour.  Candy started after about 20 minutes, and she really didn't stop until the landing gear came down.  The sound of that landing gear couldn't have some enough.  The entire flight was MISERABLE!  Here I am, the only one that can see this.  The plane was packed full of 50 passengers.  I didn't want to make a scene, but boy was I getting a show.

In that 40 minutes, or so, I had lots to think about.  Here were my options as I saw them:
#1: stare at them.  First off, I was finding the situation revolting, so I am not sure I could have even looked at them.  Second off, they are obviously into this $hit and they may have enjoyed me looking at them
#2: tell the FA.  Ah, but how would I do that?  Again, the plane was packed.  If I walked 10 rows up to tell her it would have been obvious that I was ratting on them.  Do I hit my call button and hand her a note? Maybe she would think I wasn't serious and just a pervert. 
#3: do nothing.  And this is what I did.  You know what, no one was getting hurt here.  Yes, I was uncomfortable, but if I got the FA involved it may have been a lot more uncomfortable.  You know, those little tubes that are shooting through the air at 500 mph are small.  And what happens if Candy and Bob got hostile and did something to retaliate?  Was it really worth it?

The flight touched down, Bob pulled his pants back up, and we got off the plane.  And there you have Candy, touching all the seat backs as she got off the plane, and then she probably went into the terminal and touched everything in there (ok, I am totally getting grossed out here).  I met my boss at the end of the jet do I tell that one to my boss?! I honestly could not get that trip out of my mind for a good couple weeks.  I just don't understand how anyone would be turned on in an airplane. Does anyone get turned on in a greyhound bus?  I don't think so!  Why would plane be any different.  And who is the person that imagined this whole mile high club thing anyway?  Someone who obviously likes tight spaces and germs everywhere.

So, there you have it folks, my experience with the mile high club.  And my three words that sums it up: get a room!

Oh, and Candy and Bob: if you are out are officially NOT members of the mile high club with that stunt.  Believe me, I know some mile high club stories and they are fun stories.  You are just gross and perverted! 


  1. Wow! That is just wrong on so many levels!! The story made me laugh and totally disturbed me at the same time!

  2. I can laugh about it now, but it really was disturbing!