Tuesday, January 24, 2012

rules for my pilot

When Steve is on a trip, there are no rules.  No "you must call me after every landing." No "you are not allowed to go out with your crew." No "you are not allowed to eat dinner with another woman."  Granted, Steve and I have been together for 13 years...holy shit, no, it will be 14 years in March - wow!...so our relationship is most definitely on cruise control now, and things just work.  I take that back, yes we are on cruise control and things work, but we do want to/have to work at it.  This means dates, trips away, alone time, making sure love tanks are full, ect.  If memory serves me right, I don't think I ever put rules on him. 

There was some recent talk on one of the web boards I visit about the rules that girlfriends and wives put on their pilot.  Frankly, I just don't get it. 

I work outside of the house.  I travel sometimes for work.  If I put a rule on Steve, like no eating dinner with another woman, he would have to put the same rule on me.  I have had dinner with men while traveling.  Nothing happened, plain and simple.  I am being totally honest when I say that I would rather have Steve go out to dinner with a woman than stay solo in his hotel room.

Dinner is dinner, food is food.  Hell, even drinks are drinks.  I have been at work functions where cocktail hour turns into many hours, and one drink turns into many.  Nothing happens, plain and simple.  I know that Steve has nights were he is out and happy hour turns into many hours, and one drink turns into many.  Nothing happens, plain and simple.  He doesn't worry about me.  I don't worry about him.

I trust Steve and he trusts me.  I am secure in what we have.  I trust that Steve isn't screwing around with other women, and he trusts that I am not having an affair with the Orkin man.  I have mentioned this before, and I will say it again, trust has never been an issue with us.  Trust is something that just comes to us.  Steve was burned pretty badly from a previous relationship, as was I.  So, when we got together, we knew trust was important and it was a must.  I have never broken his trust, and he has never broken mine, so keeping trust is easy for us.

*****
At a work conference a couple years ago, John was sharing a story about an "incident" in the elevator. John and I had been at this same conference for a number of years, so we were friendly.  Let me paint a picture of John: married, two girls in high school, mid-40s, attractive, about 5'10", medium build, always dressed nicely, thick black hair that is slicked back, just an all-around fun guy to be around...he is the type of guy you want to be around.  He is rather heavy on the cologne.  Now, I don't mind the cologne since I just love cologne on a man, but he may be a bit too heavy.  This story John was sharing was about the same conference, but a couple years prior.  He was escorting Julie back to her room after a night out with a large group of people.  Now, John really was just out having fun with the group and not looking for anything.  Again, he is the type of guy you want to be around, so I could see how one would be magnetized towards him...and boy, was Julie magnetized to him!  John is a gentleman and escorted Julie back to her room since she drank too much, and he really just wanted to make sure she got back to her room safely.

While they were in the elevator, Julie basically threw herself on John.  He, of course, restrained himself.  They arrived at Julie's floor, he took her back to her room, and then he went back to his. 

The one question I had for John was whether or not he told his wife.  He said 'no.'

When I got home and shared this story with Steve, the one question I had for Steve was "if this happened to you, would you tell me?"  He answered "hell yeah!  If some hot young chick throws herself at me, I would want to brag about it."  We laughed about it.  And if Julie did throw herself at Steve, I would not have been upset.  That is the truth of it.  Steve would have been doing the right thing by escorting her back to her room, and if she stepped over the boundaries, that is her doing, not his. 

Steve has been hit on by girls, and guys, and I know about it.  I am sure that there are times that I don't know about as well, and I am totally cool with that.  If anything, when he gets hit on I take it as a compliment.  Frankly, I am not even sure why one would be pissed off if their spouse was hit on.  Now, if your spouse was receptive to the come on, that is one thing...but, if you quickly shoot it down, there is no harm in that. 

*****

You know, when I starting writing about this topic I was thinking of all the things I could mention, but I am actually having a hard time finding the right words.  I think I am having a hard time finding the right words because I don't want to piss anyone off, so I want to choose my words carefully....and, this whole trust thing is something that just IS with us.  Sometimes it is just hard to put things down in words.  I don't put rules on him because I trust that he isn't going to stray.  I have confidence in him that he is going to always do the right thing.  I am secure in our marriage.  And fuck, if he doesn't do the right thing, then it is his loss and he will have a long road of recovery to pave.  There is a lot at stake in a marriage, we both know that, and we know better than to mess it up. 

Sure, there have been times where our trust has been challenged, but we live and learn and are only stronger because of it.  Take the time when he went to his Captain's hotel room after getting into the hotel for the night.  It was about midnight or so, and they were joined by the flight attendants.  Sounds very peculiar, doesn't it?  Yeah, I thought so too.  In my head I had thoughts of this big drunken orgy. No, not really. In truth, it wasn't that I thought he was cheating on me, it was just that this was so out of the ordinary for Steve that I didn't even know what to think.

But, after Steve told me all the details, it was nothing.  Basically, they all wanted a drink, the bar was closed, and the CA offered up his mini-fridge.  Plain and simple.  Trust was questioned, trust was established, and in the end our trust was only stronger.  So, when at the gentleman's club in Vegas and some stripper had Steve grope herself, all in front of me mind you, it was a non-issue for me.  Now, that may be an extreme example, but you see my point.  I am really that secure with things.

I have said many times over that trust and communication are absolutely necessary in a relationship, especially when one is gone from home a lot.  And to me, this whole rule thing shows a lack of trust and a unhealthy amount of fear.  Not to say that a relationship without trust can't last.  But, I will say to work hard to get that trust established so that you can have a healthy, successful relationship, with no fear.  When your pilot is away, daydream about having him home, instead of having fear that he may stray.  Believe me, I know how a woman's mind my wonder, hello, drunken orgy, but that is where communication comes in.  If you have questions, ask.  Open the lines to talk about anything and everything that is bothering you, so you have no more wondering thoughts.  Be secure in your relationship!  There is enough to worry about when you pilot is away, like this last trip when the front door started leaking again...Ben was puking...I was getting over being sick...so don't make this lifestyle any harder than what it is.

14 comments:

  1. Geez, you've had a bad run with the illnesses lately. Hope you reamin bug free for a long time now!

    Yep,you did a good job summarizing the "rule rules policy"....

    It's all about being confident with your self worth.

    I'm lucky to have my pilot, but he's equally as lucky to have me. I'll never find anyone that's as good as him, and he'll never find a mate better than me (how's that for confidence? lol). Neither one of us is a pushover, or would ever tolerate screwing around. I don't worry about it.

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  2. A confident woman is a very good thing! :)

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  3. Of all the things for us to worry about, this is the last thing on the list for us as well! Ditto to what RunBlonie says as well. :) And congrats on 14 years together!

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  4. Thanks Amber. 14years is just nuts to think about!

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  5. I completely agree with your post Joanna! I had one minor freak out the first year we were dating but quickly realized being distrustful would only hurt our relationship, and that trust was a two way street. We've been fine ever since!

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  6. minor freak outs are normal, no doubt. we have all been there, pilot or not, i am sure.

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  7. This is probably worse than a chain letter but I have tagged you in my 11 things post! http://gymclassdropout.blogspot.com/2012/01/11-things.html

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  8. fun! Thanks Amber...I love these things :)

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  9. It's so refreshing to hear someone sum up the trust/rules aspect of being married to a pilot- in a POSITIVE manner. Every relationship is different and I'm sick of the "boards" saying that trust=naivety. The pilot and I went through a lot before we got married and I'm confident that our marriage is (and will be) strong as long as we're open about everything. We're only beginning year 3 of marriage, so, congrats on 14!

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  10. Thanks Ren! This post has opened up conversations with friends and even Steve. The best was when my aunt was talking about when women will say "well, I trust my husband. It is the women I don't trust." of course, this implies distrust with your man. I think that people who call trust= naive means that your don't have true trust...they just don't get it, so they have to talk out of it.

    Believe me, I am not naive about cheating. Not at all. As I mentioned, if Steve cheats there is a long road ahead. I also know that as long as you are satisfied, both husband and wife, you won't give into temptations. I bet that if you talk to cheaters you can figure out why they strayed, and it probably isn't too hard to figure out.

    I feel like I could talk about this topic forever...

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  11. Hi, just found you. I am a fellow pilot wife. I agree totally with this post. I am on a site that just had the same topic (pilots wives club) and I was shocked at all the rules that were put on their husbands. Crazy. I am happy that we trust each other enough to not add the extra stress in our lives.

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  12. Nicole, that was the inspiration for this post :) I was shocked too! You are right, worries like that would just add stress.

    Welcome to my blog!!!

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  13. Your relationship is on cruise control? You're a pilot wife.... You know where I'm going with this... Your relationship is on auto-pilot. :)

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    1. Yes! I love it! (and I will probably be using this all the time now :) )

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