The other night I shut the door to CC's room after saying our goodnights, and thought to myself 'bad mom.'
Steve was on a trip, so I was a single mom. These are the moments that you hate being a pilot wife. There was no bailing out that night. No opportunities for me to say "Steve, I am about to lose it...engage!" It was all me.
I love CC more than anything. Of course! In her short 2 1/2 years I can already tell that she is very spirited. She laughs a lot, and laughs hard. I know this girl is going to live life to the fullest and truly love life.
She is also very stubborn and independent. I will learn to love these traits as she gets older and be so proud of her tenacity and Independence, but right now these traits can eat at me. Like, the other night. I won't go into full details of the night, but let's just say that she is currently testing me and trying to push her boundaries. I am trying my hardest to keep her IN her boundaries, which is not an easy job. I truly understand that groundwork needs to be laid now for good behavior, so I will be persistent with this. It is just so hard sometimes.
That night she didn't get books before bed, and our 'goodnight' were rather quick since she was crying and trying to get out of bed. To boot, as I was tucking her under the covers she was crying saying "I want Daddy." Breaks my heart. I shut the door and thought to myself that I could have done such a better job. Bad mom. I did kiss her and hug her and told her I loved her before I left, so I felt good in that respect. But, I didn't have to be so abrupt and short with her while we were preparing for bedtime.
There are times when you can't be supermom, and that is okay...especially when the father of your children is a pilot. I have blogged about this before and I will say it again: when your pilot is gone and you are flying solo, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do to survive.
Case in point, the other night we had ramen noodles for dinner. Was it the best choice nutritionally? Heavens, no! But, I chose my battles. I was going to make something more nutritious, but Ben got it in his head that he wanted ramen noodles and I didn't want a fight. I chose not to fight that battle, at least not last night when I was flying solo. When flying solo you chose what battle you want to fight, because we can't fight them all.
After both kids were down the other night, I went into the family room and got onto my iPad. I got onto blogger, and what post did I see, but this: another pilot wife who is going through the exact same thing as me! What a relief! I am not alone in this. Pilot wives live parallel lives, no question. It is reassuring we are in this thing together. Being a pilot wife and having little ones isn't always an easy job. Stay persistent and keep strong when the going gets rough. We all have bad days, and that is okay...because tomorrow is a chance to start again...or maybe tomorrow is day 4 of a trip and your pilot gets home and you can unload on him and go get some retail therapy...