Monday, March 25, 2013

funny keyword searches

When you type in pilots are assholes, you are linked to my blog.

When you type in marrying a pilot, you are linked to my blog. 

These phrases are called "keywords"  and I get reports on what keywords are used that find my blog.

I could get all marketing on you, but I will spare you.  Rather, after reviewing the thousands and thousands of keywords that have been linked to my blog, here are the ones that jump out at me:

About pilots and pick up lines:
(these keywords were used to find my blog)
Pilot pick up lines
pick up lines for pilots
airline pilots picking up girls at airports
great pick up lines: hey, I'm a pilot
how to pick up chicks as an airline pilot
picking up airline pilots

**

Ok, so my take on the whole pilot and pick up line...they probably don't work.  Granted, only one pilot has ever hit on me, so I should make that point known, but since I married a pilot I have some say in the matter. 

Let me set the scene of the night Steve and I met: I was a junior in college and a group a girls and I went out to a bar. 
This really was taken the night I met Steve...I am the second on the left. 
 
I had zero expectations for the night...just a fun night out with the girls.  Low and behold, this blond guy locked in on me.  At the time I was talking to "Greg the accountant" and the blond guy thought to himself 'oh, that is too bad that she is with someone.'  A bit later, right before blondie was about to leave the bar, he said to himself 'I am going to check her out one more time...if that guy isn't around her, I am going to introduce myself.'  Sure enough, the accountant had left and in swoops the pilot.    Absolutely true story...this is how Steve met me.  AND, he never used the "hey baby, I'm a pilot" as a pick up line.

Moral of the story: Steve didn't use a pilot pick up line on me...and he landed me.  Had his intentions been to get laid that night, then maybe a pilot pick up line would have worked...but, not on me! 



OK, let me dissect this exact phrase: Airline pilots picking up girls at airports:  So, let me think of all the places pilots are at airports, at least from what I understand:

- in the crew rooms.  Um, sorry...probably no picking up going on there.  They are too busy sleeping, getting paperwork, or bitching to fellow pilots about contract talk (of course, this is a scene made up in my head...who the hell knows what talk goes on inside a crew room). 

- in the terminals...if they are coming from a crew room they are probably running a bit behind since they spent too much time bitching, so you will catch them with with their head down and goin'.  If they are coming from another gate, there could very well be a tight connection, so again, walking briskly with their head down. 

Although, I have been hit on by a crew member walking through the terminal.  Picture it, my homecoming dance my senior year: I invited Steve to be my date, and even though he was in training he still flew up for the weekend.  I was in a red silk Ann Taylor dress (which I still have hanging in my closet) and I was walking towards Steve's arrival gate (this was before 9-11, so I was able to get past security). I am assuming it isn't often that you see formal attire walking down the terminal, so apparently I caught this guy's eye - I think he was a FA.  As we passed one another his comment was something to the effect of "you were waiting for my flight, right?"  It was very sweet and cute.  So, I suppose being picked up in the terminals can happen.

- in a restaurant...doubtful you will find a pilot in an airport restaurant.  Food court, yes, but not restaurant.  I suppose that would be an okay time to pick up a chick...while eating your chinese cuisine express.

- at the gate...usually pilots walk up to a gate, and then down the jet bridge.  I suppose if they are waiting at the gate for the inbound aircraft, they would be sitting in a seat and that could be an okay place to pick up a chick...but, their head is probably buried in a smart phone looking at the pilot web boards. 


Picking up airline pilots: If your intention is to pick up an airline pilot, here is my suggestion for you: find the crew hotel in your city.  Hit up the free happy-hour...pilots will be sure to be there!  If there is no free happy hour, hang at the bar anytime from 7p on, and chances are there may be a pilot in your presence, especially if there is no cheaper restaurant within walking distance.  Key markings of a pilot out of uniform: jeans and tennis shoes, no facial hair (well, maybe a mustache) and clean-shaven.  And if you see two guys fitting this description, you found a FO and CA.  The FO is younger, and the CA is older.  If you want more money, move in on the older guy.  If you want more oomph in bed, go for the FO.  Chances are they won't be drinking any more than 2 beers, unless they are on a nice long layover.  So, move quick!  Because once the drinks are gone, they will be headed upstairs to sleep...you know, since they have been up since 4am.


Dating a pilot:
benefits of dating a pilot
who wants to date an airline pilot
I only date pilots

**

Let me answer these one at a time:
Benefits of dating a pilot? Travel.  Yes, non-reving sucks, but we still go to really kick ass places.  And fast forward to when you have kids, and your kids have multiple passport stamps before the age of 3 - yes, CC has five country "stamps" in her passport.

Absence is also a benefit.  That sounds weird, but it is true.  You miss him when he is gone and love when he is home.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Who wants to date an airline pilot? Mmmmm, how shall I start this answer...
I didn't choose him because he is a pilot...I chose him because he is secure, funny, smart, dedicated, prudent, focused, has the most perfect hands, has fantastic biceps...I could go on.  It isn't that I wanted to date an airline pilot.  Rather, I wanted to date a man with these qualities (well, the hands and biceps weren't requirements, just nice additions!), and he happened to be a pilot.

I only date pilots: well, good for you!  I would probably venture out more, if I were you.  Life is too short to be stuck to one occupation.



Daddy and underwear:
Daddy underwear
Daddy in underwear
underwear Daddy
Costco white briefs
how to know if you need new underwear

Enough with people googling daddy and underwear and getting linked to my blog!  Ok, so I once blogged about people always shopping for new underwear when they went on trips, but enough already!  You are a gross ass pervert who needs more to your life than googling about a daddy wearing underwear. 

How to know if you need new underwear: really?  You actually need to google this question?  Son, let me tell you something, if you actually need to google this question then I would suggest you make your way to the store and buy yourself some new underwear. 



Pilots and Cheating:
cheating pilots
do all pilots cheat
i had sex with a married pilot in my hotel
what to do when your pilots husband cheats with flight attendant

Do all pilots cheat?  No.  Steve is proof that not all pilots cheat. 

I had sex with a married pilot in my hotel.  Good for you.  Now that you mention it, I can actually say the same: "I had sex with a married pilot in my hotel"  Good thing he is married to me! 

What to do when your pilot husband cheats with a flight attendant?  Find out why he cheated.  Can you truly and honestly say that you marriage was 100% perfect?  Find out what your issues are, and talk about them.  In my opinion, I believe that cheating happens because someone is looking for something elsewhere because they are not getting what they need.  I believe that cheating does not mean an end to a marriage - rather, a hurdle.  Start talking to get through this. 


Marriage and Pilots:
how many pilots are married
I hate being married to a pilot
being married to a pilot sucks
being a pilot killed my marriage
being married to a pilot, is it that bad?
shit that pilot wives don't say
is it advisable to marry a pilot
pilots having several wives
sex life with your pilot husband

See, lots of marriage related keywords find my blog.  And see...a lot of them are negative.  I am sure if you are happily married to a pilot, you probably don't go around googling "I love my pilot husband"  So, if you are stressed out/pissed off/frustrated, you look on the internet...and find me.

Let me state a couple things, based on the keywords mentioned above, that I believe are truth:
- an occupation does not kill a marriage.  If you do not have what it takes to be in a successful marriage then it will fail, regardless of occupation.  I believe you need trust, communication, dedication and faith.  Notice how there is no mention of "he must not be a pilot".  There are plenty of successful marriages with pilots, which is proof that it can be done. 

Being married to a pilot if not a bad thing, nor something that I should suggest women stay away from.  Rather, and with all marriages, I suggest that you start with a rock solid foundation to your relationship and everything builds from that.  You can have a rock solid foundation with a pilot!  And if you do, you will be able to work through all the crappy pilot wive stuff. 

As for pilot having several wives - yeah, several EX wives.  In all the pilots that I know, or know of, the only time there are several wives is when the pilot is divorced multiple times.  I have never heard of a pilot having two wives and two families in two different cities. 

As for sex life with your pilot husband: I won't get into too much detail on this, since Steve would probably kick my ass. But, I will say that when your lover travels all the time, you sure as hell like when he gets home! That anticipation can really work for you.  When women at booze book club shutter at the mention of sex with their husbands, I am one of the few that is still hot and heavy for her man...and I totally think his absence plays a big part in that. 



Specifics about pilots:
pilots are assholes
I hate being a pilot
Being a pilot sucks
cheap pilot
 airline pilots don't know shit
why are airline pilots assholes?
how do pilots go pee
do pilots work on Christmas
key things to a good landing
why do pilots love themselves
why do pilots wear short sleeve shirts with a tie


Pilots are assholes/Why are airline pilots assholes?:  I am not sure if a bitter passenger or a bitter ex-girlfriend/ex-wife googled this.  If you are a bitter passenger, I am sure that all members of that airline are assholes.  You had a bad experience on a flight, and for that I am sorry.  But please, don't go around hating everyone and calling everyone assholes. 

Has my husband had to be an asshole to someone before, while in uniform?  Yeah, probably.  Take the time he was at a gate area, not the actual gate counter rather a paperwork hub area, and a drunk, very drunk, passenger latched onto Steve about how he had to make *that* flight...that flight right out that window...that plane where the jet bridge was even pulled away.  The guy kept saying things like "hey man, can't you do anything to get me on that flight?"  Steve had to be very firm with this passenger to get the point across that he missed his flight.  Sometimes you need to do what it takes to make a point, especially when the passenger is under the influence...and some people may take that the wrong way. 

And if you are a bitter ex of a pilot, well I have nothing really to comment on. I am sorry that your relationship is no longer.  I wish you the best. 


Cheap pilot:  Truth.  They are cheap, most times.  But, it goes with the territory.  Most times they are cheap because they are too worried about being furloughed that they don't want to spend any excess money.  Or, maybe they just want to live below their means, in case another September 11th happens again and they get downgraded again.  Don't worry though, when they want to spend money, they sure do! They just spend it on what is important to them.

Airline pilots don't know shit:  So, you are telling me you know how to operate a 100 ton machine, that flies through the air at 500 mph, and carries hundreds of souls on board?  That, in and of itself, slashes your comment.  Pilots do, in fact, actually know a lot of "shit" to get your ass from point A to point B safely.  Next...

How to pilots go pee:  I love this one.  If they are male, they stand in front of the toilet, unbuckle their belt, unbutton and zip their zipper down,  pull their underwear down, and go at it...  And if a pilot if female, she will do the same steps, with the addition of sitting down on the toilet.

If you are more interested in how pilots go pee while en-route?  Well, I believe they wait until both pilots have to go, or when the timing is right like right before they start to descend , and they will start their process.  I believe a FA is involved somehow.  I am sure all airlines are different in their process.  I have never asked Steve this question, so I can't answer it.

Do pilot work on Christmas?  I absolutely HATE when Steve answers my question with a question, but I feel the need to do so in this case...are their flights that run on Christmas?  I think that answers your question.

Why do pilots love themselves?  I have to chuckle at this one.  Here is my take on this question: don't think that confidence equals self-centerdness.  You WANT your pilot to be confident.  I believe the last personality trait you want for your pilot is  low self-esteem.  You want your pilot to have an ego. 


Why do pilots wear short sleeve shirts with a tie: because cockpits are dirty places, and if a pilot wears a long-sleeved shirt it will get all stained from the arm rests...and his wife bitched too much about trying to remove plane dirt from his shirts that he finally gave in and got short-sleeved shirts.




Folks, there you have it...a little comic relief for a Monday night.









9 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. oomph! That is what I am talking about.

      And when oomph is no longer around, at least the paychecks will be good :)

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  2. The keyword searches always crack me up. I get "no wire hangers ever" a lot. :) Loved the post, Joanna!

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    1. LOL that is a weird search! I get "no wire hangers" but why add the "ever"? LOL

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  3. Haha, Lady, you have TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS!! LMAO!

    I guess I can say I had sex with a married pilot in my hotel room...if "solo" qualifies!

    D'OH!!

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    1. You know what it is to be a blogger...you find whatever material you can to write about :)

      Too much information!!! ;-)

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  4. I would love to date a pilot!!!! Love, love, LOVE aviation culture!! I have a passion for the industry and I have become quite knowledgeable about it (for a "non-airline" person), so we would have such great conversations! Only problem is I'm 35 years old so I'd better pray to find one before I miss my window. Lol!! =\

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    1. My husband rarely talks about work at home. He loves that I am not in aviation, since he can escape from it when he is home. But, there are plenty of pilots that marry pilots or FAs, and I am sure they talk "shop".

      To add a bit of humor, don't worry about your age...because you may catch on after their first divorce :)

      I hope you are able to "land" a pilot soon :)

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    2. Thanks! : )

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