watch your words
We received an invitation to a 40th birthday party a number of weeks ago. Of course we were going to attend! I had planned for a babysitter for the evening. Kids were welcome at the party, but for some reason I had it in my head that I would rather keep the kids at home so that Mom and Dad could enjoy some adult time.
The party was last Saturday. Let me lay out a bit of a timeline before Saturday:
Thursday - Steve got home from a 4-day trip late in the evening. He saw the kids for maybe 30 minutes.
Friday - The kids were at school all day. The late afternoon was spent together, until Steve hosted a fantasy football draft party at our house. Steve and I were downstairs while the kids watched a movie upstairs.
Saturday - I went to the farmers market in the morning while Steve hung with the kids. Steve watched a football game in the afternoon while the kids and I went to the pool for one last time before it closed for the season.
As we pulled into the driveway after a great afternoon of swimming, Steve had just finished mowing the grass. Since we were soaking up as my sun as possible, I was cutting it close with timing. As I was getting out of the car I told Steve that I had to jump in the shower and he had to help with the kids...or however the direction went.
His response was something like "do we really have to go? I haven't seen the kids a lot and I want to spend time with them."
Yes, he actually said that to me, and boy did this just set me off.
For the next 45 minutes I was pissed, and I mean pissed. It wasn't until I finally got myself a beer that I started to calm down.
There are so many aspects about his comment that pissed me off.
#1. God forbid we do something with my friends. He was all for having his draft party with his friends. He was all about enjoying his beloved college football game Saturday afternoon, while the kids and I went to the pool. Yet when it comes to something that I want to do, I get pushed to the side.
I have been known to say the following sentence before "it feels like what I want to do gets pushed to the back-burners." There have been plenty of times where I do what is best for my family, while pushing off my desires and wants off to the side. That is what a wife and a mother does at times. I understand that, and do it most times without making a fuss about it. But, this party had been planned for weeks, and in a split second just one comment was made to me that totally pushed aside a want that I had been planning for weeks. There is nothing worse than having excitement crushed in a second.
#2. Don't be a slamclicker on me. When Steve gets a slamclicker CA, I hear about it. The last one was in Hawaii of all places! In beautiful Hawaii, all the guy wanted to do was stay in his room. I received numerous texts from Steve about how much it sucked to be in Hawaii with his CA.
When his overnight allows, Steve is all about enjoying the city he is in. I like that, and I hope that it continues throughout his career. However, I worry that Steve will turn into a slamclicker at home. The older he gets, it seems like he wants to go out less and less.
Ok, Ok, I get that he is gone 4 days a week, and when he is home he wants to be home. I am totally aware of that...really, I am. I try my best to make sure he is balanced at home. But, when it comes to a once in a lifetime party, he wanted to stay home?! This is what scares me...that he will become a homebody. Don't forget that I want to have a social life too! Don't forget that when he is home, our house is complete and I want to live our life. Don't forget that I was home for the last 4-days by myself, so I want to get out.
#3. Don't make me feel guilty for taking you away from the kids. Because it was my friends that were hosting the party, I instantly felt guilt when Steve said he wanted to spend time with the kids...like it was my fault for taking him away that evening. Remember people, I don't take criticism well. Then I got some sense about me and remembered that it was Steve's choice not to go to the pool with us that afternoon, and it was Steve's choice to host a fantasy football draft party the night before...so fuck this guilt stuff. Steve knew this party was coming, so he should have planned accordingly.
I was sure to express all the above feelings to Steve as I was showering and getting ready. Steve is a good guy, so I know his intention wasn't to hurt me like he did. I really have the sense he was just making a casual comment. He sure tried his best to right the situation, but his words really stung and it was hard to get over that.
Like I mentioned above, I calmed down after a beer and we enjoyed the rest of our evening. I think Steve will now watch his words when it comes to similar situations. At least, I hope he watches his words, because I will be sure to lose it if words like that are said again.
The party was last Saturday. Let me lay out a bit of a timeline before Saturday:
Thursday - Steve got home from a 4-day trip late in the evening. He saw the kids for maybe 30 minutes.
Friday - The kids were at school all day. The late afternoon was spent together, until Steve hosted a fantasy football draft party at our house. Steve and I were downstairs while the kids watched a movie upstairs.
Saturday - I went to the farmers market in the morning while Steve hung with the kids. Steve watched a football game in the afternoon while the kids and I went to the pool for one last time before it closed for the season.
As we pulled into the driveway after a great afternoon of swimming, Steve had just finished mowing the grass. Since we were soaking up as my sun as possible, I was cutting it close with timing. As I was getting out of the car I told Steve that I had to jump in the shower and he had to help with the kids...or however the direction went.
His response was something like "do we really have to go? I haven't seen the kids a lot and I want to spend time with them."
Yes, he actually said that to me, and boy did this just set me off.
For the next 45 minutes I was pissed, and I mean pissed. It wasn't until I finally got myself a beer that I started to calm down.
There are so many aspects about his comment that pissed me off.
#1. God forbid we do something with my friends. He was all for having his draft party with his friends. He was all about enjoying his beloved college football game Saturday afternoon, while the kids and I went to the pool. Yet when it comes to something that I want to do, I get pushed to the side.
I have been known to say the following sentence before "it feels like what I want to do gets pushed to the back-burners." There have been plenty of times where I do what is best for my family, while pushing off my desires and wants off to the side. That is what a wife and a mother does at times. I understand that, and do it most times without making a fuss about it. But, this party had been planned for weeks, and in a split second just one comment was made to me that totally pushed aside a want that I had been planning for weeks. There is nothing worse than having excitement crushed in a second.
#2. Don't be a slamclicker on me. When Steve gets a slamclicker CA, I hear about it. The last one was in Hawaii of all places! In beautiful Hawaii, all the guy wanted to do was stay in his room. I received numerous texts from Steve about how much it sucked to be in Hawaii with his CA.
When his overnight allows, Steve is all about enjoying the city he is in. I like that, and I hope that it continues throughout his career. However, I worry that Steve will turn into a slamclicker at home. The older he gets, it seems like he wants to go out less and less.
Ok, Ok, I get that he is gone 4 days a week, and when he is home he wants to be home. I am totally aware of that...really, I am. I try my best to make sure he is balanced at home. But, when it comes to a once in a lifetime party, he wanted to stay home?! This is what scares me...that he will become a homebody. Don't forget that I want to have a social life too! Don't forget that when he is home, our house is complete and I want to live our life. Don't forget that I was home for the last 4-days by myself, so I want to get out.
#3. Don't make me feel guilty for taking you away from the kids. Because it was my friends that were hosting the party, I instantly felt guilt when Steve said he wanted to spend time with the kids...like it was my fault for taking him away that evening. Remember people, I don't take criticism well. Then I got some sense about me and remembered that it was Steve's choice not to go to the pool with us that afternoon, and it was Steve's choice to host a fantasy football draft party the night before...so fuck this guilt stuff. Steve knew this party was coming, so he should have planned accordingly.
I was sure to express all the above feelings to Steve as I was showering and getting ready. Steve is a good guy, so I know his intention wasn't to hurt me like he did. I really have the sense he was just making a casual comment. He sure tried his best to right the situation, but his words really stung and it was hard to get over that.
Like I mentioned above, I calmed down after a beer and we enjoyed the rest of our evening. I think Steve will now watch his words when it comes to similar situations. At least, I hope he watches his words, because I will be sure to lose it if words like that are said again.
Did you not end up going to the party? that sucks! i missed a big wedding in my family coz of "things" and it bothers me till date! in retrospect i feel like i should have just put my foot down and made it happen myself. sometimes trying to considerate and accomodating just ends up backfiring!
ReplyDeleteWe went to the party. I offered to go by myself, but he knew better. Sorry that you had to miss a wedding :(
DeleteI've been married to my pilot husband less than a year, and this is already happening. It worries me, and is kinda frustrating that they can't see beyond the fact that married life is about sharing your partner's life too....and not just staying at home whenever they're not flying. Especially when I'm alone most of the week and eagerly await his arrival to do stuff...together, and not just with my friends by myself like I do when he's not around. Sigh!
ReplyDeleteYou still have plenty of time to nip this in the bud. Pave your way now that you are still newlyweds. It is frustrating, but I do think that they ultimately do get it...even if it may take time.
Delete