Back to normal?
I started taking Lexapro about 3 weeks ago. It's a drug both my MD and therapist suggested I use for my anxiety. I took 5mg the first week, and now take 10mg which is where I should stay. It took me crying in the MD's office to realize that I really do need it. It was time. I was exhausted and pushed to the limit. It's always when you are pushed to your limit that you finally do something about it.
My periods are all screwed up, which is very not normal for me. My MD wanted my hormone levels checked, thinking I was possibly pre-menopausal. Not yet...levels came back normal. Next step was a special ultrasound to look for some sort of blockage. They injected a small about of water into my uterus. Sounds fun, right? Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Turns out everything is good in that department. So gotta blame it on something else, right?
We are celebrating 15 years of wedded bliss this June. We *just* planned our trip, as in just yesterday. I've been indifferent about things. My indifference isn't a reflection of us, rather I think it's a function of my state of mind over the last couple months.
I also gained 6 pounds from last Fall. I don't really care about weight...it's just a number to me. I don't keep track. But, this was totally unexpected. I don't gain weight like that.
After researching all this, I think it is adrenal fatigue. My body has been in a constant state of stress, and I was/am having physical signs of it. I was feeling overwhelmed. I was short and snappy with people (especially Steve). I was hyper in certain situations. I wasn't sleeping well. My libido was lackluster. I wasn't keeping up with house chores. Steve was having to pick up the slack.
He told me just the other day that he feels burnt out from work, and that he's feeling way behind in outdoor work. His shows have been very early, and his times home have been very late...think the longest 3 or 4 day trip possible. For example, last Friday he got home at 2am! That wears on you, despite being conditioned for your bodyclock to be fucked around. And then he would come home to a house somewhat clean, and a pile of laundry. I see how he was getting burnt out.
Enter Lexapro.
I think the drug is helping. I'm sleeping better. I have found motivation again. Steve even came home to a clean house on Friday, with a meal in the fridge that just needed warmed up...and two beers. It was a long 3-day, so I knew beer would taste good. I'm finding myself calm again in situations that used to raise my anxiety. My libido is back. I'm finding joy again in things. I feel like I'm dropping weight.
I'm feeling good. I haven't really felt this away since the Fall. Well, expect for our trip to Mexico...I felt good during the trip, and about a month afterward.
I don't know how long I'll take this drug. Hopefully, not too long. Generally speaking, I don't like drugs and try to use as little as possible. Hell, even post-partum I didn't use any pain relievers. We have a cruise coming in October, and we already bought the drink package. I'm not supposed to drink while on this drug. I did have a couple drinks at the pool on Memorial Day, and a glass of wine while Steve and I were on a date the other night. But, I want to keep to the rules of the drug. Perhaps the cruise in October will be my motivator to get things set back in order.
I will continue with meditation and taking care of myself. The exercise thing is a bit harder (since my heart is a source of my anxiety, and I'm afraid of raising my heart rate too much), but I found a trainer who has anxiety as well, so she's a good fit! She understands me. I am determined to get back to my normal self.
I openly talk about my anxiety. I'm not afraid to talk about it. I don't want to hide it from myself, my family, or my friends. I, especially, don't want to hide it from my kids. If I earned it honestly (there is school of thought that it can be passed through genes...and my maternal grandmother had anxiety), it's possible they will earn it honestly as well. I want them to have a positive image of the situation, not something that needs to be hidden and taboo. I want them to know my struggles, and that I will come out of this. I want them to know that anxiety isn't something to be ashamed of. I also want them to know that there is help for anxiety.
In light of the recent apparent suicide of Kate Spade, I think this post is even more important. Mental health has been kept quiet. Mental health has been looked at as a weak thing. Hell, even a comment on my last blog post (Anxiety) tried to put me down:
Obviously, the person is very misinformed on what anxiety is. No, sir, it was not a bad thought that brought this on. And, no sir, my grandparents didn't joke about the hell they lived through during the war. This is a prime example of one person shaming another about their mental health. This is exactly why I am vocal about my journey. I will not be shamed because I have anxiety. I am not weak because of my anxiety.
I will continue to keep you all updated on how things are progressing. But, really, I'm doing well. I'm finding myself again, and that feels good.
And God Bless Steve...seriously. He's been great. If I've been 20%, he's picked up that other 80%. This is what marriage is about: when one is down, the other steps in and raises up. When I snipped, he bit his tongue. He has been very forgiving and patient. He's been the rock, when I haven't been so sturdy. I know I'm very lucky to have him be so supportive of me. He's a good man. He's a good example to our kids. I'm very fortunate that he loves me like he does.
If you are struggling with anxiety, or depression, please seek help. I'm not necessarily encouraging you to medicate right away...I went to therapists for about six months before I started meds. But, I'm encouraging you to find the help you need.
Love to all!
My periods are all screwed up, which is very not normal for me. My MD wanted my hormone levels checked, thinking I was possibly pre-menopausal. Not yet...levels came back normal. Next step was a special ultrasound to look for some sort of blockage. They injected a small about of water into my uterus. Sounds fun, right? Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Turns out everything is good in that department. So gotta blame it on something else, right?
We are celebrating 15 years of wedded bliss this June. We *just* planned our trip, as in just yesterday. I've been indifferent about things. My indifference isn't a reflection of us, rather I think it's a function of my state of mind over the last couple months.
I also gained 6 pounds from last Fall. I don't really care about weight...it's just a number to me. I don't keep track. But, this was totally unexpected. I don't gain weight like that.
After researching all this, I think it is adrenal fatigue. My body has been in a constant state of stress, and I was/am having physical signs of it. I was feeling overwhelmed. I was short and snappy with people (especially Steve). I was hyper in certain situations. I wasn't sleeping well. My libido was lackluster. I wasn't keeping up with house chores. Steve was having to pick up the slack.
He told me just the other day that he feels burnt out from work, and that he's feeling way behind in outdoor work. His shows have been very early, and his times home have been very late...think the longest 3 or 4 day trip possible. For example, last Friday he got home at 2am! That wears on you, despite being conditioned for your bodyclock to be fucked around. And then he would come home to a house somewhat clean, and a pile of laundry. I see how he was getting burnt out.
Enter Lexapro.
I think the drug is helping. I'm sleeping better. I have found motivation again. Steve even came home to a clean house on Friday, with a meal in the fridge that just needed warmed up...and two beers. It was a long 3-day, so I knew beer would taste good. I'm finding myself calm again in situations that used to raise my anxiety. My libido is back. I'm finding joy again in things. I feel like I'm dropping weight.
I'm feeling good. I haven't really felt this away since the Fall. Well, expect for our trip to Mexico...I felt good during the trip, and about a month afterward.
I don't know how long I'll take this drug. Hopefully, not too long. Generally speaking, I don't like drugs and try to use as little as possible. Hell, even post-partum I didn't use any pain relievers. We have a cruise coming in October, and we already bought the drink package. I'm not supposed to drink while on this drug. I did have a couple drinks at the pool on Memorial Day, and a glass of wine while Steve and I were on a date the other night. But, I want to keep to the rules of the drug. Perhaps the cruise in October will be my motivator to get things set back in order.
I will continue with meditation and taking care of myself. The exercise thing is a bit harder (since my heart is a source of my anxiety, and I'm afraid of raising my heart rate too much), but I found a trainer who has anxiety as well, so she's a good fit! She understands me. I am determined to get back to my normal self.
I openly talk about my anxiety. I'm not afraid to talk about it. I don't want to hide it from myself, my family, or my friends. I, especially, don't want to hide it from my kids. If I earned it honestly (there is school of thought that it can be passed through genes...and my maternal grandmother had anxiety), it's possible they will earn it honestly as well. I want them to have a positive image of the situation, not something that needs to be hidden and taboo. I want them to know my struggles, and that I will come out of this. I want them to know that anxiety isn't something to be ashamed of. I also want them to know that there is help for anxiety.
In light of the recent apparent suicide of Kate Spade, I think this post is even more important. Mental health has been kept quiet. Mental health has been looked at as a weak thing. Hell, even a comment on my last blog post (Anxiety) tried to put me down:
DzieckoMay 27, 2018 at 11:44 AM
Weakest generation in history; a bad thought will cause you to get anxiety? My grandparents escaped nazis, lost their parents at 8, raised 8 kids, and joked about all of that during their lifetimes.
Obviously, the person is very misinformed on what anxiety is. No, sir, it was not a bad thought that brought this on. And, no sir, my grandparents didn't joke about the hell they lived through during the war. This is a prime example of one person shaming another about their mental health. This is exactly why I am vocal about my journey. I will not be shamed because I have anxiety. I am not weak because of my anxiety.
I will continue to keep you all updated on how things are progressing. But, really, I'm doing well. I'm finding myself again, and that feels good.
And God Bless Steve...seriously. He's been great. If I've been 20%, he's picked up that other 80%. This is what marriage is about: when one is down, the other steps in and raises up. When I snipped, he bit his tongue. He has been very forgiving and patient. He's been the rock, when I haven't been so sturdy. I know I'm very lucky to have him be so supportive of me. He's a good man. He's a good example to our kids. I'm very fortunate that he loves me like he does.
If you are struggling with anxiety, or depression, please seek help. I'm not necessarily encouraging you to medicate right away...I went to therapists for about six months before I started meds. But, I'm encouraging you to find the help you need.
Love to all!
Joanna, thanks for sharing this message of struggle and hope. The paths of our life journeys are never clearly defined and certainly can't be defined by others. Speaking and sharing is important work for all of us; your blog helps us with our journeys . Keep writing!
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