How about a 'thank you'

I am a strong supporter of the 5 Love Languages book. I swear by it. I encourage every couple to read it. If you've followed me enough, you know my love language is physical touch. Although, every now and again words of affirmation creep into my needs.

Is 'thank you' considered words of affirmation? There are times when I feel taken for granted. It amazing how two little words came mean so much. I'm sure us pilot wives have felt this from time to time. I'm sure all mother's have felt this from time to time. This is never fun.

As you know, we bought a boat. It took a lot of work to buy it. Not only did we have to seek out styles we liked, which meant contacting brokers and private sellers to discuss a particular boat for sale, but we also had to drive and look at boats.

And then when we did find the boat, actually buying the boat took a lot of work. Purchase agreements, funds, documented, insurance, title, registrations, marina, ect. And that's just the big stuff...let's not forget the other stuff like sheets and towels and coffee makers and vacuum cleaners and cleaning products and cups and plates, ect. Steve has certainly helped with a lot of this process, but I feel like I've taken care of a lot of it. I'm the one that made phone calls and returned emails on a timely manner. It's been a lot of work.

I've mentioned that Steve has been feeling overwhelmed lately with work and getting the boat ready and keeping up things at home. He's been stressed.

I've tried to lighted his load.

He got home last Wednesday night. Actually it was technically Thursday morning, a bit past midnight. I was still awake. I had been busy doing things around the house, anything from laundry to cleaning.

After Steve changed, he came into the kitchen to eat. "Who mowed the grass?" he asked. Frankly, I was surprised he noticed since it was dark outside.

You see, Steve mows with a large walk-behind mower. For the record, I grew up mowing the lawn. I am fully capable of doing so. But, Steve never told me how to operate the walk-behind, so I can't use it. I can't even move the dang thing since it has gears and I'd probably end up breaking something if I tried. Again, I certainly *could* if I were given a crash course in how to operate it. The point I am getting at it that it wasn't me that mowed the grass.


I smiled, in response to his question.

"Joanna, we have to stop spending money."

Any other pilot wife hear that comment more often than you would like? I sure you are all raising your hands. 

"I used my account." Here I thought I was doing a favor by having the neighbor kid mow our lawn, but the response wasn't as favorable as I would have liked.

I didn't get a thank you. I did, however, give Steve a mulligan. I knew he was tired. Red eye funk combined with a late night.

I often give him a mulligan when he gets home from work, and typically the next day. I get that work can be tiring for him, and that his body needs a second or two to catch up when he gets home...I get that, truly...that's why I bite my tongue and don't push him too much. Keep the peace. 

But, a pilot wife can only give so many mulligans before she starts feeling the impact.

On Sunday night Steve and I took the dogs on a walk. It was raining, so we did an abbreviated walk, only to have it lighted up as we got back to the house. We decided to continue our walk. As we were passing the house I asked Steve if he noticed anything about the front yard. He looked at the grass, his eyes scanning back and forth, to find nothing.

"Well, how about the garden?" I suggested, trying to get him to notice the dead tree I cut down the other night.

"Yeah, the tree. I noticed that."

And that was it.

No thank you. No high five. Not even a smack on the ass. Nothing.

I cut down a fucking tree, with no thank you.

It hurts, to be honest.

I swallowed my disappointment. I wanted to stay positive and keep things good, and I did my best.

But, I couldn't hold it back when Steve snapped at me later that night. I know I'm not the only mother who has a constant stream of thoughts in your head at any given time. Add on tasks you are presently doing, and throw in a person or two talking to you at the same time. It's times like this where my brain is over capacity. It's times like this where I repeat things.

I asked Steve, twice, to move a quilt from the washer to the dryer. After my second request he snapped back, "I told you I would."

That's all it took for me to close up. When I get upset with Steve I don't yell. Rather, I get real quiet, which is very much NOT me. The rest of the night was ruined. The camel's back had been broken. I was sad. All it would have taken was a thank you for mowing the grass, and/or a thank you for cutting the tree down.

Nothing was said the next day, even though I was waiting for an apology all day. Life went on as normal. I went to work and Steve did things around the house. We ate dinner out, and hung out at a friends house for a bit. The whole day I had that heavy feeling on my heart.

The apology finally came at the end of the night. Steve and I got into bed. He was leaving for a trip in the morning. He made his way onto me, foreheads touching, and stared into my eyes. He knew I was upset. I knew where this was headed. Sex before a trip is something I almost never turn down, keeps with my thought that serving prime rib at home keeps him from going for a burger on the road. I am of the firm belief that guys are simple, or at least my guy is simple, if I keep the house clean, food in his belly, and stay active in the bedroom he will be satisfied. I want him satisfied. I blog about How To Be A Better Pilot Wife a couple years ago if you want my thorough thought on this. 

"An apology would be nice," I finally got out, trying to get the weight off my heart. He said he was stressed with all the boat stuff. He did apologize. We talked a little about it and he understood how I felt.

I told him I would be blogging about this.

***

I hesitated to post this blog. Was I "airing our dirty laundry?" As I thought about whether or not to really blog about this, I watched a segment on the Today Show about being a mentor. It hit me that perhaps I am a mentor to my readers...it was the encouragement I needed to post this.

The definition is a mentor is "an experienced or trusted adviser" I can certainly call myself experienced at this whole pilot wife thing. And based on the kind words I get from my readers, I think people like hearing from me and look to me for suggestions and advice.

This whole 'thank you' thing I was feeling is absolutely a function of this whole pilot lifestyle thing. Steve is stressed because he doesn't have enough time at home. The stress is impacting me. Not only is Steve snippy with me, but I'm also having a lot added to my plate too.

I want pilot wives to know that what we do often goes without thanks. When this happens here and there, we just take it. Mulligans. Keep the peace. But, when it builds up it can get to us. We've all been there. I think it's easy for your spouse to take things for granted. Sometimes it's easy for me to take things Steve does for granted. Sometimes I think Steve takes things for granted because things just get done. He doesn't see me doing these things. Week in week out, things just happen. It's easy to not say thank you for things that you don't see.

I want to remind pilots out there that you need to show your appreciation to your wife. Don't take us for granted. Show your appreciation. Two words go a long way.

Ultimately, I swallowed my pride and am working to get past this. In his heart of hearts, Steve is a good man and I know this. He never does these things to intentionally hurt me, and I have to remember that. We all have slips here and there. And with a little bit of grace, communication, and understanding, we learn and grow.







Comments

  1. I have been a silent reader for a very long time, years. My husband and I just got married in May and we been together for over three years. There are challenges but lots of love no less. Your posts have been a LIFESAVER for me over the past few years and I want to thank you. We are about to take on our biggest blessing/challenge yet: starting a family. We started TTC this month. You do incredibly well as a mom and a wife, I emulate your organization and wit.

    P.S. when your pilot says “we need to stop spending money” LOL been there!

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    Replies
    1. thank you for your kind words!!! Comments like this brings such joy, and give me motivation to keep writing :)

      Best of luck with TTC...don't stress too much. FWIW, when we conceived our first, I was convinced I wasn't pregnant because of timing. And look what happened. Being a solo-mother is incredibly challenging, but the strength you find within is shocking...we are incredible women.

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  2. Your blog has been a definite “mentor” to me. I have been with my boyfriend for two years mostly long distance as he has progressed his career. As soon as I knew this was going to be serious and that aviation isn’t as glamorous as what you see at the airport, I recall anxiously googling “what is it like to be married to a pilot?” on a late and lonely night. I found your blog and have been reading it ever since, mentally filing away certain tips for when we start a family. However I already relate to a lot of your posts. Thank you so much for being so honest and open!

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  3. My husband and I got married this Saturday and the videographers offered to take extra video of us Sunday morning. I was so happy, in my mind I had 'and we wake up and take video of the morning after the wedding...how wonderful!' Well my husband decided to make me clean the dinner venue all Sunday morning (he forgot to read the fine print) instead of just sucking it up and paying the very small 150 dollar fine. Afterwards I had a shrieking-screaming....not screaming but shrieking...breakdown. I got over it after he promised to contact the photographers and see if we could still do it at some upcoming weekend. But I know he's going to find an excuse. It just sucks...it's hard not to build up resentment. Anyways, I've made up my mind to find the money somehow and do it myself and rehire videographers etc to do what I want since I don't think he'll do it. My husband was like 'Well it was an extra...' and I was like 'An extra that I was over the moon elated over...a great opportunity to get more footage for the wedding video which meant so much to me!' Anyways.....It's tough

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