Distracted
Distracted.
That's what Steve is right now. Distracted.
Perhaps a bit panicked, too.
When this whole coronavirus thing started, I was upset at the thought that our cruise would cancel. Our spring break cruise was booked in December. The trip meant more to me than just a week away...it was a finish line, of sorts, from my Achilles rupture. I was also looking forward to *really* enjoying the trip. You see, after my mom died almost 15 months ago I didn't really have joy in our trips. We went to Dominican Republic and on a cruise to Alaska. Both were good times, but my headspace wasn't the best. My headspace is better now. This cruise meant so much for me. One night last week I even had to hang up the phone with Steve so that I wouldn't get upset. I didn't think that he understood how much the cruise cancellation would impact me.
And now here we are. His company is cutting capacity by50% 60%. I'm expecting it to get worse. I'm expecting it to be worse than 9/11. His current thought is that his paycheck will be cut by 50%. Who knows how long this will last.
To add to all this, his father is gravely ill right now. He went into the hospital before Thanksgiving, and has yet to return home. It's a grim situation, with the writing on the wall. It's a matter of time.
When my anxiety gets the better of me, I call it "mind chatter." Like the thoughts in your mind just keep coming and coming and coming, and that voice simply won't shut off. Well, I think Steve's mind chatter is in hyper-drive right now.
Folks, welcome to the airlines. Things are good until they're bad.
Folks, congratulations on being married to a special breed of person, with unique traits and quirks. This life isn't for everyone.
Steve and I were living together when 9/11 happened. He was a captain on the day of the attacks. Within the next couple months he was downgraded to FO. I was working. We didn't have kids. We managed. We didn't worry. When he went mainline he took a 57% pay cut. He didn't worry. We managed.
Things feel different now. Maybe it's because kids are involved. Maybe it's because the coronavirus is a very new situation with a lot of unknowns. I'm not sure. But, Steve is incredibly distracted right now.
And I know he's not alone. What about the new hires that are on the bottom of the seniority list? (Steve's at 51%.) What about the pilots who are the only household income? (I contribute substantially to our household income.) There are many situations that make this situation very difficult for many people. I know you're out there. I feel you.
So, my point for this blog post will be the things that I'm doing or plan on doing to help make my pilot less distracted by all this. This June we're celebrating 17 years of marriage, so I'd like to think that by this point there are a few things out there that I can offer up.
#1: Make your home as much of a respite as possible.
respite:
(n) a pause from doing something (as work)
(n) a pause for relaxation
(n) a (temporary) relief from harm or discomfort
(n) an interruption in the intensity or amount of something
When he's home, I try to not push him. Sure, chores/projects can keep his mind occupied. He worked with my dad this past weekend to hang two bat boxes and two owl boxes in our back woods. But, when it comes to the cumbersome stuff, like laundry and cooking and dishes, I've been trying to take the lead on that. Steve has run errands with me, but that's more due to him being a backup in case my foot fires up on me and I need to stand in a 20 minute line or something. I've done his dry-cleaning run. I have a shit-ton of beer on hand. If he wants to go on a run, I encourage it. I don't push him. I give him space. I take his lead and talk when he wants to open up and talk. This goes for both airline stuff and his father's condition. Make your home as comfortable as possible.
#2: I'm taking the lead on the kids.
The kids are currently home from school, and most likely will be for the rest of the school year. I'm the one to make sure they have a structure to their day. Sure, I'm the one home every day so Steve can't necessarily help out from the road. But, rather than burdening him with problems, I highlight details.
#3: Stay positive.
I got into work on Tuesday morning, and Steve called when he landed in ORD after his morning leg. He told me he wanted to sell the boat. (Boats are a huge money suck!) I told him to pump the brakes on that. It's one thing if we don't take the boat out all that much. (It's 37 feet and has two engines. It basically guzzles gas.) But, we can still keep it docked and enjoy our weekends at the marina. Plus, what better way to soothe the soul than on the water. We searched for about two years for our boat, so I'd hate to give it up now. I reassured him that things will work out. He's on his pilot web-boards, and I know there has to be a lot of negative talk on there. I am his positive voice in his sea of negative. I'm positive by nature (glass is always half-full), and I share that positive light with him.
We don't know exactly how things are going to play out at this point. Sure there is a ton of speculation and likelihoods, but nothing is definite right now. So, do whatever you can to keep the situation as light as possible. Easier said than done, I know. But, this industry is up and down, we all know it. This is just another setback that we will all get through. Us pilot wives are built to manage the cranky-ass pilot after he's come home from a shitty trip where his captain was an ass-hat, and his body clock got fucked with real good. We can manage this!
#4: Don't spend money.
I think most pilots have a constant internal dialogue of money, even on a random good day, let alone add the volatile climate we're in right now. When I say don't spend money I'm not talking about not buying food or gas or shoes for your growing kid. I'm talking about that cute bathing suit you spotted at the store. Or that winter cashmere scarf that's 70% off. Or that buzzfeed link to the oven cleaner that makes it shine after one application. I use the term "disposable income." Steve uses the term "discretionary spending." Either way, only buy what you 'need' right now, not the 'wants'.
Steve and I went shopping at Aldi on Sunday for food. I've been building a pantry in our basement with shelf stable items. While there he spotted hiking boots for Ben. Let me set the picture a minute. I'm 6', as is Steve. Chances are our kids will be tall, and Ben is certainly on his way. As of today, he is 12 years old, probably 5'7, wears a 9 1/2 shoe, and is growing like a weed. Last summer, on our way to boy scout camp...like actually in the car, Ben in his uniform, needing to report in 20 minutes...he told us that his shoes were too small. Like, his toes were curling in the boot too small. So, we stopped at the one store on the way, and bought boots that were about $170. He wore those until this winter, where he got another pair for $70. Those $70 boots are now on the verge of being too small, a mere 2 months later. So, when Steve saw the waterproof hiking boots for $20, I told him to get a size 10 and size 11. Steve, honest to goodness, had a hard time spending that $20. That's how money-focused he is right now.
What goes hand-in-hand with not spending money? Saving money as best you can. When Steve took a pay cut to go mainline, I trimmed our grocery budget to $50 a week. Granted that was in 2006, with just two mouths to feed, one being gone half the time. But you get me. Meal plan. Shop at Aldi, not the specialty food stores. Don't eat out a ton (he'll probably appreciate that anyway since he eats out on the road so much.) There are a ton of resources on how to trim budgets...look into those.
#5: His needs before mine.
I'm taking the lead on getting my love tank full. If you've been following me for a while, you know my love language is physical touch. I need Steve to hug me, and touch me, and initiate sexy time with me. (If you speak my language you understand the need for your partner to be the one to initiate these things.) He hasn't been. I told him the other day that my love tank needed filled. He got defensive. But, I now realize he's been too distracted to focus much on my love tank. So, I'm now the one to initiate spooning and touching. I'm the one to give him random hugs. Kissing, I've been trying to keep that minimal. You know, droplets and all. Lately, I'm the one to initiate sexy time, and even take the lead on that. As of matter of fact, after our last sexy time session Steve walked to the bathroom and made some joke about his low involvement in the matter. I'm trying to ease his load (no pun intended), his burden, while still getting what I need. See #1, respite.
I might have to bite my tongue a number of times through all this. I might have to listen to him vent or complain or talk negative. But, if that's what he needs, then I'm there to listen. I need him to be good, and I'm willing to do what it takes to make that happen.
#6: Stay away from black holes.
I suppose this is mostly just for me. But, I'm staying away from black holes in the internet. I'm being quite selective on what I read, whether it be news or social media. Of course, I'm keeping myself updated with news and information. But, I'm selective on the opinion articles and postings. I don't want to read doom and gloom. I want to keep positive, as best I can. I know this situation is doom and gloom, but I need to be positive, for my children and for my husband.
I'm sure a lot of people reading this could think my actions are very 1950s of me. But, I don't care. My husband is struggling right now, and I'm doing my best to navigate through this. Innately, men are providers. Steve's ability to provide is being threatened right now. I'm doing my best to balance things out. I want to be his reassurance. I want to be his respite. I want him to feel secure.
I'm posting this blog on March 17, 2020. Who knows how things will change in the next days, weeks, months. I will continue to flex with the situation and do the best I can do to weather this storm. We are all challenged in life. It's your choice on how to navigate those challenges. Your attitude is your choice.
And as a closing reminder, when it all boils down, what matters in life when it really counts? The people you love. Your tribe. Focus on that.
And if you have any suggestions please add them to the comments. Advice from others in this situation is good. We're in this together! We'll get through this together!
That's what Steve is right now. Distracted.
Perhaps a bit panicked, too.
When this whole coronavirus thing started, I was upset at the thought that our cruise would cancel. Our spring break cruise was booked in December. The trip meant more to me than just a week away...it was a finish line, of sorts, from my Achilles rupture. I was also looking forward to *really* enjoying the trip. You see, after my mom died almost 15 months ago I didn't really have joy in our trips. We went to Dominican Republic and on a cruise to Alaska. Both were good times, but my headspace wasn't the best. My headspace is better now. This cruise meant so much for me. One night last week I even had to hang up the phone with Steve so that I wouldn't get upset. I didn't think that he understood how much the cruise cancellation would impact me.
And now here we are. His company is cutting capacity by
To add to all this, his father is gravely ill right now. He went into the hospital before Thanksgiving, and has yet to return home. It's a grim situation, with the writing on the wall. It's a matter of time.
When my anxiety gets the better of me, I call it "mind chatter." Like the thoughts in your mind just keep coming and coming and coming, and that voice simply won't shut off. Well, I think Steve's mind chatter is in hyper-drive right now.
Folks, welcome to the airlines. Things are good until they're bad.
Folks, congratulations on being married to a special breed of person, with unique traits and quirks. This life isn't for everyone.
Steve and I were living together when 9/11 happened. He was a captain on the day of the attacks. Within the next couple months he was downgraded to FO. I was working. We didn't have kids. We managed. We didn't worry. When he went mainline he took a 57% pay cut. He didn't worry. We managed.
Things feel different now. Maybe it's because kids are involved. Maybe it's because the coronavirus is a very new situation with a lot of unknowns. I'm not sure. But, Steve is incredibly distracted right now.
And I know he's not alone. What about the new hires that are on the bottom of the seniority list? (Steve's at 51%.) What about the pilots who are the only household income? (I contribute substantially to our household income.) There are many situations that make this situation very difficult for many people. I know you're out there. I feel you.
So, my point for this blog post will be the things that I'm doing or plan on doing to help make my pilot less distracted by all this. This June we're celebrating 17 years of marriage, so I'd like to think that by this point there are a few things out there that I can offer up.
#1: Make your home as much of a respite as possible.
respite:
(n) a pause from doing something (as work)
(n) a pause for relaxation
(n) a (temporary) relief from harm or discomfort
(n) an interruption in the intensity or amount of something
When he's home, I try to not push him. Sure, chores/projects can keep his mind occupied. He worked with my dad this past weekend to hang two bat boxes and two owl boxes in our back woods. But, when it comes to the cumbersome stuff, like laundry and cooking and dishes, I've been trying to take the lead on that. Steve has run errands with me, but that's more due to him being a backup in case my foot fires up on me and I need to stand in a 20 minute line or something. I've done his dry-cleaning run. I have a shit-ton of beer on hand. If he wants to go on a run, I encourage it. I don't push him. I give him space. I take his lead and talk when he wants to open up and talk. This goes for both airline stuff and his father's condition. Make your home as comfortable as possible.
#2: I'm taking the lead on the kids.
The kids are currently home from school, and most likely will be for the rest of the school year. I'm the one to make sure they have a structure to their day. Sure, I'm the one home every day so Steve can't necessarily help out from the road. But, rather than burdening him with problems, I highlight details.
#3: Stay positive.
I got into work on Tuesday morning, and Steve called when he landed in ORD after his morning leg. He told me he wanted to sell the boat. (Boats are a huge money suck!) I told him to pump the brakes on that. It's one thing if we don't take the boat out all that much. (It's 37 feet and has two engines. It basically guzzles gas.) But, we can still keep it docked and enjoy our weekends at the marina. Plus, what better way to soothe the soul than on the water. We searched for about two years for our boat, so I'd hate to give it up now. I reassured him that things will work out. He's on his pilot web-boards, and I know there has to be a lot of negative talk on there. I am his positive voice in his sea of negative. I'm positive by nature (glass is always half-full), and I share that positive light with him.
We don't know exactly how things are going to play out at this point. Sure there is a ton of speculation and likelihoods, but nothing is definite right now. So, do whatever you can to keep the situation as light as possible. Easier said than done, I know. But, this industry is up and down, we all know it. This is just another setback that we will all get through. Us pilot wives are built to manage the cranky-ass pilot after he's come home from a shitty trip where his captain was an ass-hat, and his body clock got fucked with real good. We can manage this!
#4: Don't spend money.
I think most pilots have a constant internal dialogue of money, even on a random good day, let alone add the volatile climate we're in right now. When I say don't spend money I'm not talking about not buying food or gas or shoes for your growing kid. I'm talking about that cute bathing suit you spotted at the store. Or that winter cashmere scarf that's 70% off. Or that buzzfeed link to the oven cleaner that makes it shine after one application. I use the term "disposable income." Steve uses the term "discretionary spending." Either way, only buy what you 'need' right now, not the 'wants'.
Steve and I went shopping at Aldi on Sunday for food. I've been building a pantry in our basement with shelf stable items. While there he spotted hiking boots for Ben. Let me set the picture a minute. I'm 6', as is Steve. Chances are our kids will be tall, and Ben is certainly on his way. As of today, he is 12 years old, probably 5'7, wears a 9 1/2 shoe, and is growing like a weed. Last summer, on our way to boy scout camp...like actually in the car, Ben in his uniform, needing to report in 20 minutes...he told us that his shoes were too small. Like, his toes were curling in the boot too small. So, we stopped at the one store on the way, and bought boots that were about $170. He wore those until this winter, where he got another pair for $70. Those $70 boots are now on the verge of being too small, a mere 2 months later. So, when Steve saw the waterproof hiking boots for $20, I told him to get a size 10 and size 11. Steve, honest to goodness, had a hard time spending that $20. That's how money-focused he is right now.
What goes hand-in-hand with not spending money? Saving money as best you can. When Steve took a pay cut to go mainline, I trimmed our grocery budget to $50 a week. Granted that was in 2006, with just two mouths to feed, one being gone half the time. But you get me. Meal plan. Shop at Aldi, not the specialty food stores. Don't eat out a ton (he'll probably appreciate that anyway since he eats out on the road so much.) There are a ton of resources on how to trim budgets...look into those.
#5: His needs before mine.
I'm taking the lead on getting my love tank full. If you've been following me for a while, you know my love language is physical touch. I need Steve to hug me, and touch me, and initiate sexy time with me. (If you speak my language you understand the need for your partner to be the one to initiate these things.) He hasn't been. I told him the other day that my love tank needed filled. He got defensive. But, I now realize he's been too distracted to focus much on my love tank. So, I'm now the one to initiate spooning and touching. I'm the one to give him random hugs. Kissing, I've been trying to keep that minimal. You know, droplets and all. Lately, I'm the one to initiate sexy time, and even take the lead on that. As of matter of fact, after our last sexy time session Steve walked to the bathroom and made some joke about his low involvement in the matter. I'm trying to ease his load (no pun intended), his burden, while still getting what I need. See #1, respite.
I might have to bite my tongue a number of times through all this. I might have to listen to him vent or complain or talk negative. But, if that's what he needs, then I'm there to listen. I need him to be good, and I'm willing to do what it takes to make that happen.
#6: Stay away from black holes.
I suppose this is mostly just for me. But, I'm staying away from black holes in the internet. I'm being quite selective on what I read, whether it be news or social media. Of course, I'm keeping myself updated with news and information. But, I'm selective on the opinion articles and postings. I don't want to read doom and gloom. I want to keep positive, as best I can. I know this situation is doom and gloom, but I need to be positive, for my children and for my husband.
I'm sure a lot of people reading this could think my actions are very 1950s of me. But, I don't care. My husband is struggling right now, and I'm doing my best to navigate through this. Innately, men are providers. Steve's ability to provide is being threatened right now. I'm doing my best to balance things out. I want to be his reassurance. I want to be his respite. I want him to feel secure.
I'm posting this blog on March 17, 2020. Who knows how things will change in the next days, weeks, months. I will continue to flex with the situation and do the best I can do to weather this storm. We are all challenged in life. It's your choice on how to navigate those challenges. Your attitude is your choice.
And as a closing reminder, when it all boils down, what matters in life when it really counts? The people you love. Your tribe. Focus on that.
And if you have any suggestions please add them to the comments. Advice from others in this situation is good. We're in this together! We'll get through this together!
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