Rewind a couple weeks ago: Steve and I got back from Vegas on a Friday night, around 11:30p. By the time we got home and settled in, it was 1am before we called it a night.
I had to wake up at 7am the next morning for a funeral. It was an emotional day. We didn't get home until about 3p or so. I was tired. Traveling to Vegas, and then a funeral, and then a pending trip to Niagara Falls the next day...I was beat.
I layed on the couch thinking I was going to shut my eyes for a couple minutes. Ben and CC started to bounce and jump on me.
I looked at Steve and asked "is it okay if I go upstairs and take a nap?"
His responded with "if you feel like you need to." What is that supposed to mean? If I didn't "need to" take a nap then I wouldn't have asked, now would I? I slept for about 2 hours. I really needed it.
Ladies and gentlemen, this nap was the first I had taken in God knows how long. True, I am not one to take naps much, but still resting mid-day is always nice.
Steve takes an annual trip to a local island with his father, and a bunch of buddies. They have done this as long as I can remember, so it is tradition and I dare not challenge it. I always let this weekend go without bitching and moaning that he is gone again. Well, last year I bitched a whole lot about it because he chose this weekend over my birthday, but aside from that I really bite my tongue about this weekend.
Well, Steve got home Sunday around 2p, or so, from this lake weekend. They had a good time. That makes me happy.
Not 45 minutes after he got home, I look into the family room and see this:
I was with the kids all weekend, yes I did have my MIL up to help out, so what about ME needing a nap? What about me needing a break? Not to mention, Steve was on a 4-day trip right before this lake weekend....I had the kids for 5-nights straight. Instead of napping, I was preparing dinner.
I bit my tongue.
I don't know if it is all pilot wives with kids, or just me, but once we had Ben I have always had a damn chip on my shoulder when it comes to Steve and sleep. Steve naps, and I think it is totally a function of his occupation. First thing, he is sleep deprived a lot. Second thing, he can go from eastern time zones to Hawaiian time zones and back in a span on 5 days. Third thing, he works the backside of the clock at times. Fourth thing, he does not have an internal body clock. All these things combine for a schedule that is out of whack. Naps are important for him, yet I hate when he naps.
It is a catch-22 with this whole sleep thing...if he is napping, then I am the one watching the kids. But, if I protest a nap them I have one cranky guy who is a bear to be around. So, which is easier for me to deal with?
When my children are sleeping, I look at them with tears in my eyes.
They are so peaceful and calm and just beautiful. Yes, I am one of those mothers that stand over their bed for a minute or so and just stare at them.
Now, when Steve is napping, I look at him and think "how dare he! I am tired and I don't get a nap. This sucks. I hope Ben jumps on him to wake him up." How bad is that?! Talk about brutal honesty, huh!
Please tell me I am not the only pilot wife out there that feels the same way. I feel like a total asshole wife because I feel this way, but I still can't help it. Maybe it is because when Steve is home I want him to be totally engaged with the kids, and when he naps he is totally disengaged. Maybe it is because it is all me when Steve is gone, so when he is home I want some help. One can't help when one is sleeping, now can they? Ugh!