GET A NEW F*%$ING UNIFORM ALREADY!

The other day Steve ran into an old college friend in the crew room.  For some reason the conversation lead to talk about their uniforms...and how crappy they are becoming.  Let me explain something here, Steve's company has been promising new uniforms for a while now, and they still haven't come out with the new design yet.  Because of this, a lot of pilots are simply wearing what they have until they get the new uniforms.  I actually understand that...there is no sense in buying a new old uniform since new new uniforms are just on the horizon.  Apparently, a lot of these pilots are wearing rather shabby uniforms.

Picture it, two pilots in the crew room showing off rips and stains and fraying, as if to impress the other.  Steve said his CA actually chimed in on the conversation to show off his threadbare pants.  The CA's pants were nearly worn through on his thigh. 

Remember my post: Thank goodness the passengers didn't see his ass?  This was when uniform pants #1 bit the dust.  I was the one to notice that his ass seam ripped, and thank goodness he didn't leave the house with his boxers poking through.

Well, uniform pants #2 bit the dust just a couple months ago.  I didn't take a picture of those, but again it was his ass seam that ripped.  And when I mean ripped, the material was so worn that I couldn't fix them in any way.

So folks, let's look at uniform pants #3.  Here they are when I hold them up to something dark:

And when I hold them up to light?

One bad move and his ass will be fully exposed for all to see.  Now, I like his ass, but I am not sure that others will be as impressed.  These pants are moments away from a very embarrassing situation.

I should add that he is currently not wearing his #3 since he is in his summer uniform (read: no blazer).  Since he doesn't have to match trouser and blazer fabrics, he is just wearing pants that I picked up for him at a random store.  He is preserving his #3 until the fall.  I hope those pants won't have to surface again!  Now, he does have a couple more pants that match the blazer, but they have pleats and he prefers a flat front. So, he won't be totally lost when #3 bites it...he just won't be as stylish...in his (pause) pilot uniform. 


And let's talk about the shirts.  Oh, the shirts.  Now, I will pay someone $1million if they can tell me how to get wheel grease out. 

 I circled the mark for easy viewing.

At this point in the game, those grease marks are just a permanent part of his uniform.  I am serious when I say that every uniform shirt has at least one grease mark on it.

To further the shirt talk, let's talk about dingy.  I like bleach. I like bright whites.  Steve's shirts are not so bright white...anymore. 

Our bedding is white.  Nice, new, crisp, clean, bleached white.  I placed Steve's shirt on the bed for comparison sake. No matter what your monitor settings are, you will be able to see the difference.  This shirt is a number of years old, with grease stains, and harness stains, and pen pocket stains...all of which I can't always get out.

Oh, and don't even talk about the long-sleeved shirt.  Long gone are the days of long-sleeved shirts.  Steve used to wear a couple, until the bottom of his forearms got so dirty and stained from the arm rests in the dirty cockpit.  No, let me start before that...the gal that measured him gave him a 32/33 sleeve.  Um, hello?  The man you just measured is 6 feet tall and wears a size 12 shoes.  The sleeves were instantly too short, and came to his wrists instead of where they should be.  Steve was never really comfortable in those shirts to begin with.   From now on, I think I will do the measuring and the hemming...and Steve now knows what his shirt size is so that he can correct anyone who measures him incorrectly.  He has given up on those long-sleeved shirts.  To answer the question "why don't pilots wear long-sleeved shirts?" Well, it is because their wife is too damn sick of trying to remove cockpit dirt stains from the sleeves.  Dirt removal from skin is easy.  Dirt removal from dirt that comes from an airplane? Not so much.

To combat the winter cold and balance out the fact that he doesn't do long-sleeved work shirts, Steve will sometimes wear a black sweater over his short-sleeved shirts.  This I have no complaints about.  A black sweater hides everything.  That thing could probably go weeks before being washed, which is never really the case, and no one would be the wiser.  The only bitch thing about wearing black pants and a black sweater is that the hand dryer sensors in the airport bathrooms don't quite sense your presence.  Apparently, Steve has been known to do a little wiggle and a dance in front of them trying to get the damn thing started up.

The new uniforms are rumored to be anything from midnight blue to black.  If I had a vote in the decision, which I obviously don't, I would say black.  Keep it simple.  Black is sleek, black hides dirt, black is easy to supplement with articles purchased at the store, black matches black shoes, black matches black belts.

And, I am serious about the airplane grease removal advice.  Ok, maybe I won't give you $1million for your solution, but I really do need suggestions on how to get rid of it.  Maybe CA wives don't have to deal with this, but us FO wives sure do.  For those of you who don't know, FOs are the ones that do the walk-arounds and get up close and personal to the wheel wells and the grease and grime (which is why Steve's grease stains are usually on his back or his sleeve).  Once he is making CA pay, then we will leave the grease removal to the professionals, but for now I have to make do the best way I can.

Keep your fingers crossed that the new uniforms surface before fall...before there are any dreaded ass exposure accidents.  Or before his CA's bulging thighs bust through his pants.  I am picturing it now...all the pilots start busting through their uniforms Hulk style.  I am sure people would love that.  I would crack the hell up if I ever saw that!