does it suck being married to a pilot?

As a blogger, I like to check my google analytics reports to see the activity on my blog.  The reports will show me things like: where my visitors are from, how long they stay on my blog, what pages they read, where they are referred from, ect.  Don't worry, no names are ever given to me, or exact locations, so don't feel like I know exactly who you are.  I 'sort of' know who you are, so don't be skeeved out thinking I know everything about you.  I love looking at this reports, maybe it is the marketing major in me.  I love when I see serious time that people put into my blog.  I feel like I am connecting to people the longer they are on my blog.


Ok, so where am I going with this?  Well, 'keywords' is something that google analytics reports on.  The other night, I looked at my reports was immediately struck when I saw the keywords "does it suck being married to a pilot" come up.  My initial reaction to reading this was "hell yeah, it sucks!" 


Now remember, Steve and I started dating in 1998.  At that time, the internet wasn't nearly as big as it is now.  I remember when I first started using google, as a matter of fact.  I was a Peace Corps Volunteer at the time, and a fellow PCV told me about it. Google?  How do you spell it again? G-O-O-G-L-E?  That means the year 2000 or 2001.  I don't think I really starting using google until many years after that.  My point is that when Steve and I got serious, I didn't use google as a resource to figure out the whole pilot thing.  Since I didn't research this industry on google, I had to navigate this whole thing on my own. But now, if you want to find anything about anything you can go to google, type in whatever, and you have a ton of information. 

My intention with this post is to help any pilot girlfriends out there figure out this whole pilot relationship thing.  I hope that people googling about this lifestyle can find my views and help steer them in the right direction. For as many people that I could encourage to continue a relationship with a pilot, I would encourage that many to not continue a relationship with a pilot. 

In my imagination, I picture a gal and a guy meeting...he is perfect, she is perfect...all is perfect.  He is an airline pilot.  Crap, all pilot are cheating assholes, aren't they?  She doesn't know anything about pilots or the lifestyle. So, she goes to the internet for research, types in "does it suck being married to a pilot?" and my blog is found.

So, let me answer the question again - a little more thorough this time.  Yes, it does suck being married to an airline pilot.  Does it suck all the time? No.  If it did, I would be miserable and Steve would be looking for another career.  I have always said that this job would never break our marriage...if this job got in our way, then away with the job and onto something else.  Does it suck some of the time? Yes. No question. 

But, with the bad comes the good.  There are times when you question yourself about ever agreeing to this job, like when your pilot husband misses your daughter's first birthday.  
 
And there are times that you love what the job can give, like an impromptu trip to see the last of the space shuttle launches. 

I want to stress that you can NEVER really understand what this lifestyle is like until you actually live it.  Sure, you can think to yourself "that will be okay if Mr. Pilot misses Christmas Day.  I love him so much that I can deal with that."  Until he misses Christmas Day year after year.  Oh and then you have kids and Daddy isn't there on Christmas morning. 

Or how about: "I will support my pilot through shit pay and a crappy schedule because I love him so much and I will do whatever it takes." Until you can't pay all your bills and you only see him 12 days a month and he is depressed because he can't support his family and is tired of being beaten down by the company.  All of these things wear on you over time.  


 As I was discussing with a dear friend the other day, love is blind.  When you are so in love, you may sweep bad things under the rug.  So, it may be easy to mentally sweep the bad stuff under the rug, but after a while it will surface and you have to face it head on.  I could talk until I am blue in the face to warn women about what they are getting themselves into, but until you live it you don't actually get it.  There is no way that you can prepare for any of this emotionally.  Gosh, that sounds harsh, doesn't it?!  By no means am I saying that you are "getting yourself into something" by marrying a pilot.  I guess a better way of putting it is that love isn't everything in marriage.  "But, I love him" is never enough of an answer to stay with a pilot.  Love is part of the marriage equation, no doubt, but it takes a whole lot more than just love.  When you are making the decision about continuing a relationship with a pilot you have to ask some hard questions.  If you answer the hard questions honestly and realistically, then you are doing the right thing. 

I need to make the point that you have to be a strong, independent type to make this marriage work.  When you pilot husband is away, it is YOU running your home ship.  You have to be the one to: take the trash out every.single.week, get the car serviced every.single.time, meet delivery people at the home, make "best and final" offers on a home, fixing immediate home repair situations, ect. Let's not forget the fact that you will be alone half the time.  That means sleeping alone, watching tv alone, eating dinner alone, celebrating holidays alone, going to parties alone...

And when you have kids, it is YOU being a duel parent when your pilot is away.  The single parent thing is honestly the hardest part of being married to a pilot.  You are going to be the one waking every.single.night, multiple times a night, with a newborn baby. All the while, your pilot husband is getting uninterrupted sleep after going out to the bars with the crew.  You resent him.  But, you eventually get over it.  You are going to be the main disciplinarian, and you have to be strong with your decisions.  It is you feeding your kids and bathing your kids and playing with your kids...all you - only you...when your pilot is away.  I could go on...

Let's not forget to mention the big life moments that happen when your pilot is away.  I told Steve over the phone that I was pregnant with Ben.  At least he was there for the conception.  Hell, he was on a trip when I went into labor with Ben.  At least he was able to make it home for the birth.  My beloved Grandmother died when Steve was on a trip...what a shit time for your husband to be gone.

So, those are the crap things about being married to a pilot.  But as I said before, with the bad comes the good.  I have said over and over that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Distance in a relationship can be a good thing since it makes you step back for perspective.  There are times when Steve is gone and I miss him the second he steps foot out the door, and I spend the next 4 days thinking about him coming home.  Who has this anticipation and excitement in a marriage as often as it happens with a pilot?  This accounts for a lot, if you ask me.  I am not exaggerating when I say that even after 14 years with Steve, there are still times I think about him and get butterflies in my stomach.  Of course it doesn't happen all the time, but it still happens.  Absence also makes sex better, if you ask me.  When he gets home and you missed him, it just makes it better.  Unless he is wearing that damn Marriott crap lotion...

And then you have times, like now as a matter of fact, where you are in a tiff and you just need space.  When your pilot is on a trip you get the space you need.  I am gaining some perspective on things since I am able to step back to look at things.  In this case, trips have actually come and gone without resolution to said tiff, but with time, distance, and an attitude adjustment on my part things will get better. Sometimes you just need space, and being married to a pilot surely gives you that.

I am a firm believer that independence is important.  As much as I am a wife and a mother, I am first Joanna. I live my life when Steve is gone, and Steve does his thing when he is gone.  When he is home we come together and do our thing.  This is good for us. This works for us.  This lets us both keep our identity both apart and together.  I don't feel like I have ever lost my true self.  Also, at this point in our relationship, his absence is the norm, and we actually like it that way. 

Let me also address the fact that this job makes Steve the type of father he is...which is a hands-on Dad.  When Steve is home, he has no distractions.  Ok, maybe he is distracted with home projects at times. When he puts in 16 hour duty work days, wait, is that even legal? I just threw that number out there...it doesn't effect us since he is on the road and we expect him gone.  When he gets home from trips, he is HOME.  Not many fathers can say that.  And when your kids go running up to Daddy when he gets home, it may be one of the best heart warming moments of all times...and I am truly not exaggerating. 

The kids will often times watch for Daddy to get home from work:

and that hug after a trip is just priceless!

 
And how could I not mention that with this job comes some pretty kick-ass perks.  Two words: free flights.  Yes, it does suck to be a non-rev at times, but if you truly take advantage of the travel you can see the world. Your children can see the world.  At this point in the game, Ben thinks that we can head down to Florida whenever we want.  Well, we actually could!  That is pretty bad ass, if you ask me!

 Gosh, what am I trying to say with all this?  I feel like I have been rambling.  Let me try to be concise with all this: being married is not easy, and not every couple can make it.  But, for as many couples that break, there are that many couples that thrive. 

Don't be naive and think that love can make everything better. It won't.  Sure it helps, but you need strength, determination, trust and communication.  You have to be committed to one another.  This job forms your lifestyle, but it doesn't define who you are as an individual or a couple.  Remember, this job is for a couple decades, not for your entire life. You will hit rocky times, you will have weak moments, but you will get through them and only be stronger because of it.  

If you haven't checked out 'why our relationship' works, do it.  I wrote this about a year ago and I think it hits the nail on the head when it comes to our relationship.  I give the main points that I feel like I/we contribute positively to make this marriage work.  I got a lot of positive feedback and a lot of other pilot wives agreed with me. 

I also want to bring your attention to my post 'rules for my pilot' since it brings up other points like trust and jealousy. I don't have issues with either when it comes to Steve, but I have been exposed to some people that have these issues.  This can be really damaging.  I can't stress enough that you need to have trust in your partner. I believe that NO relationship will last without trust.  I also talked about trust in my post 'what it takes to be a pilot wife'

So, there you have it, the long winded answer to the question "does it suck to be married to a pilot?"  How about some more questions: Did I know exactly what I was getting into when Steve and I decided on marriage? No. But I did commit myself to him...marriage is a lifetime thing in my book, no question. Knowing what I know now, would I still have married Steve? Yes. Do we struggle at times? Yes. 

But, is it all worth it in the end? Hell yeah!